The reconnection of a relationship after babies

If you are a parent with newborns, or young children you will be aware that things can emotionally change between yourself and your partner. Those changes most likely began with the pregnancy. You may also be wondering if your relationship will ever be the same?

My wife and I didn’t sail into the pregnancy in a good place together. We had dealt with the stress of moving house a month before we discovered we had triplets. And we were also dealing with a couple of years filled with disappointment in failing to conceive. We did have the occasional spark of hope, which sadly turned out to be false positive tests. There was a building tension in our marriage that was reaching breaking point. Then BOOM! We were thrown into a high risk pregnancy and there was no going back.

From the first scan it was like we veered off in different directions emotionally. My wife consumed and struggling with the fears and risks involved with our situation. And me doing my best to remain conscious and keep my family calm and together. There was a disconnect between us throughout the whole pregnancy. We may have been under the same roof, but we weren’t together.

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The next time we would reconnect was in the NICU with the safe arrival ou our trio. We finally landed on the same page. Brought together by the love, relief and joy at the safe arrival of Ava, Blakely and Lacey.

As we brought them home my wife, and rightly so, became completely focused on the babies’. As I had stayed solid through the pregnancy, we now switched roles. As Stacey found her instincts as a mother, I began to sink into depression under the pressure of home life, work and sleep deprivation. My wife  was too focused on her job to hear my problems as I struggled with my sanity. I once again felt as far apart from my wife as we were during the pregnancy.

I became consumed with the fear that before she fell pregnant we were a couple unhappy. And that maybe we would never reconnect as the couple who were once in love. I felt on the outside looking in on our home life, even though I was completely involved as a father. tiredness can do horrible things to a mind. I became paranoid that our relationship was done. That It was now her and the babies. That I was no longer an interest in her life. self-pity was creeping in. And it wasn’t who I wanted to be, man consumed with myself and my doubts. I would be no use as a father in that place.

Looking back It took one thing for us to reconnect as a couple. Patience. My wife had been through the mill with the pregnancy and was finding her place as a mother to three babies. As I was finding my role. Which was just to support her and be patient. To not make my fears and anxieties an extra weight to put on her.  All I needed to do was to be of use, to my wife and stay involved with my daughters.

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It was only when I began to step back from pressuring her, and let go of my fears and doubts about our relationship that we begin to find each other again. We needed each other more than ever. And She needed all the space and support I could give her. Of course things have changed. But those massive changes have only bonded us closer as a family finding our way in a surreal situation.

My job a s husband has always been to support my wife. My job as a father in the beginning was no different. Be patient and you will almost certainly meet again. And discover the love you once had will have gone no-where,

 

 

 

The Book

Early this year I felt compelled to make a start on a book. As I have discovered having children is an incredibly stressful event, however many babies are involved.

I decided not to write a parenting manual. There are plenty of those on offer. So I decided to write something different, from my personal experience. To document my journey and offer a solution to meeting the pressures of life as a parent. To show there is a way to consciously meet the rising negative emotions in life and parenthood that will positively affect our children. The book is different to this blog.

I have had my eyes open to reality that many families are not making it. therefore I believe what I have written is an important undertaking.

I know I haven’t posted for a while, but I am currently working with an editor. It is a bigger job than I imagined. I want to put out the best work I can. So thankyou for your patience and I will be back with updates on home life soon. Which as you would expect is hectic….very very hectic.

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Daddy/Babies day

It’s been a long few weeks at home with the ups and downs of life. My car was hit and written off a couple of weeks ago which left me with a few aches and pains and the stress of finding a new car. In the meantime Stacey has been dealing with the triplets and a very bored Frankie on her school holidays. Thursday this week the triplets had their latest jab, thankfully the last ones for a few years.

As imagined they didn’t go down well. Thursday evening Blakely broke out in a little rash so Stacey and Frankie drove her to the hospital while I took care of an unsettled screaming Lacey. Thankfully Ava, who is seemingly tough as old boots and is our very own wrecking ball ,was fine and slept. Blakely was also good, they were just reacting to the injections. On Friday morning they all woke with a temperature after I left for work, this left Stacey with three fired up screaming babies who just wanted cuddles with Mum. But with only two arms she was in for a hard morning.

By the evening they had settled and are now back to normal. So today Stacey and Frankie are getting a break from babies. And I’m taking over. It’s normal for me to pick up at the weekends and take over the feeds and the rest of the daily baby routines. But today Stacey and Frankie are going out for a bit of a much-needed pamper, and some all important Mummy and Daughter time away from the house.

So, this is how it goes for me. They woke up at eight so I changed them all and let them play in Blakely’s cot while I went and got a cup of tea and did my meditation. They are more than happy with each others company. It gives me an opportunity to get my head in a good place for whatever the day brings.

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Impromptu cot party

This is followed by a hearty breakfast of five wheatabix. Next up it’s a good hour of playing before they have a bottle and go back for their morning naps taking us up to lunch. After which Il be taking them out to town, to most likely be bombarded by comments and questions from strangers, ranging from the hilarious, to the down right inappropriate. I’m seasoned at dealing with the curiosity now so it doesn’t faze me. There will be a hand slapping though if anyone tries to touch my babies, you keep your grubby germs to yourself! If you do see me out and about il answer a few common questions now – No they are not IVF. Yes my hands are full. I am not helping out as a Dad – Im bossing my job as a Father. And no, they are not a nightmare, they are my daughters and they rock!

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Sisters are now doing it for themselves
In just over a week we will be going away for a family break to Stay with Stacey’s parents, and we are all ready for it. It’s been a while since we had the type of help that allows us to step back and slow down a bit, even dare I say it – relax. We may even get another date night in. But til then it’s on with the routines, on with life, and on with my day alone with the girls, which are days I cherish. And as busy at it is, life has never been better.