The inner voice of doubt

When I finally got sober a few moons ago I became acutely aware of the noise in my head. Intrusive thoughts, mostly negative, would bombard me from the moment I woke up until I went to bed.

We all experience the inner voice of doubt to some extent. Thoughts delivered on drip feed that pull us away from the moment into a fantasy land. And we believe these thoughts to be ours. So we listen and react, unaware that these thoughts are not of us, but of the ego. A separate entity that feeds on drama and fear.

We try and overcome our own negativity with distractions and more thinking, positive affirmations to counteract the negative. It becomes a battle of wills against our own thoughts. We struggle and get lost in the conflicts further for the effort. It’s a battle we can not win on our own.

The voice of ego thrives on doubt. You know the voice that tells you you won’t get the job you want so why bother trying. The thoughts that something negative is going to ruin your good mood. Always negative the ego nourishes on resentment energy, fed through your thoughts and emotional responses. It’s a powerful thing.

Being over emotional is not a nice healthy trait. Leaving yourself wide open to be influenced by anything or anyone that causes something to rise in you and cause you to react with exitment or fear isn’t good. You’ve given up your natural ability to discern true from false. Your being owned by the events and people around you and probably have no idea it’s happening. Ego feeds and you suffer. It’s a hard roundabout to be on.

The solution to overthinking and the inner voice is to seperate from them. Observe them objectively, without fear and without reaction. Simply become an observer of your own mind. A watcher rather than a thinker. In this conscious state of awareness we become unmoved by the negativity. It shrinks to right size and life changes drastically. We no longer are ruled by emotions but guided by intuition.

This conscious state some call the 4th dimension of existence is simple to get to. It just takes a very simple and free meditation exercise. A non contemplative meditation that is unlike anything else out there.

If you are drained by your own mind and need to find a new way to exist. If you are tired of the inner voices of doubt try this exercise. Keep an open mind and have your own experience. See for yourself that ego is not your friend, shrink it in the light and never let it take the wheel of your life again.

Non-Contemplative Meditation™

Can a man really change?

I used to sit at the bar, free from marriage, emotional ties and family life. I would sip whiskey without a care in the world. I mean I had serious problems but with whisky in my head I didn’t pay them any mind. Why kill the buzz, I wasn’t stupid!

Sobriety I didn’t care much for. It meant anxiety, irritation and a black and white world that required responsibility. I couldn’t imagine living that way. I used to see families doing their shopping with screaming kids, parents stressed and worn out. I used to look at them with a smug sense of relief in that they lived in a world so unlike mine. And there’s was a life I was never signing up for.

There were nights in police cells for drunk aggressive behaviour. I avoided prison on more than one occasion by some sort of fate. Yet I was strangely comfortable in my shitty existence because I new how to live it. Just keep drinking, avoiding life and hating the world. Simplicity at it’s finest for a man like me. And I was good at it until my conscious finally caught up with me.

A past girlfriends parents (who hated me for obvious reasons) once told me that a leopard never changes its spots. And I believed them, I had no reason to disagree.

I believed in that analogy for a long time. Up until I hit rock bottom and knew in my heart I had to change. I couldn’t live my resentment driven life any longer. I was selfish beyond belief and hated what I had become.

It took six years from the age of 30 to try and kick the alcohol and my mental health state. The last 18 months of my drinking I believed I had found a balance. Between the rum and red wine, the marijuana and the anti psychotic medication I was able to function and work but my mental health was deteriorating quite badly. Something was going to give. I was suicidal and desperate to quit drinking by the end of it. But unable to stop on my own accord.

And then through an act of grace everything changed. Faith replaced fear and forgiveness replaced anger. All through a simple meditation exercise.

Carrying a different weight

Today I woke up and meditated, free from addictions. Went to work to provide for my family and when I walk through the door I will get bombarded by three excited toddlers who love me without question. I practice patience at home and live free from emotional entanglements to the problems around me. I am truly now a free man. I love my wife and daughters unconditionally.

It seems a leopard can change it’s spots but it takes a willingness to do a complete 180. To reassess what is important and to work towards a better ideal. To live in the light free from darkness. To put others before myself and bring strength and stability to my relationships through faith and service and a conscious approach to life.

It comes down to what is important. And being a good husband and father is everything to me now. Everyone has the ability to change for the better. No matter how far they have fallen.

Stress, stress and more stress

It’s inevitable – it keeps coming day after day, hour after hour. How we respond to stress is the difference between strengthening from it, or getting ground down by it

If we respond with fear, judgement, irritation and annoyance we fall prey to the force of resentment. It infects us in each stressful moment. And it’s easier to suppress it and get on with your day, unless you find a healthy way to face it.

It may be only little events that piss us off. Perhaps the kids are playing up, maybe you get a bill that you weren’t expecting and haven’t budgeted for. With each emotional response we can either meet the pressures of life with grace, or we just stumble along being battered by events beyond our control.

Stress is inevitable

I used to live that way. In an over emotional state unable to mentally handle the pressures of the day. It was like living in a whirlpool of over thinking, over analysing every event that didn’t go the way I wanted it to. And it was a futile way exist because life is full of the unexpected.

I needed to find a way to deal with stress, without being constantly overwhelmed. The main problem was my overthinking. My mind never shut off. It was a cesspool of negative thoughts and memories that I had to deal with before I even began to face the day. I would wake up to worry and somehow muddle through the day hoping that nothing went wrong. And it did – continually.

There is a way to seperate from thoughts and become objective to them. It’s done through an incredibly simple free meditation practice. It is a way to live in the moment, free from emotional entanglement.

When we deal with life without all the overthinking, from a place of conscious awareness absolutely everything changes. We begin to face life with courage, reborn and ready to deal with anything life throws at us. Responding with grace, patience and tolerance.

Chilled toddlers – sometimes

We live in stressful times but that doesn’t mean we have to live emotionally affected by the events in the world right now.

The link to the free meditation exercise is at the bottom of this linked blog post.

Dealing with darkness

We all have a story. A past of mixed experiences, fond memories and times we would rather bury under the rug. They all pass through the mind like a river flowing with debri that must be dealt with otherwise we just get dragged along.

I’ve had years of therapy, digging away at myself and searching for happiness and peace in my mind. But I had roadblocks that always stopped me making any real progress. The problem was that I never wanted to look at the darkness in my life. It was too painful to face and deal with.

I found it easy to play a victim of the world that I resented. I could talk for hours about how the world and people wronged me. But I always avoided looking at myself and my own damaging behaviours.

Living the life of an alcoholic I used and hurt people for my own gain. I ran on frustration anger and fear but never wanted to admit that part of me. I felt guilt and didn’t want to face it. Every Avenue of help that I gained access to failed me, because I refused to get honest.

I was a year sober going through a recovery process in a 12th step fellowship that I finally began to heal from my past. The main contributing factor to my new mental health was that this time I dealt solely with the darkness. The resentments and fears that I always ran from and tried to bury deep within myself.

I got honest about my selfishness, my self pity and how my whole life I tried to please others for recognition and just wound up resenting those I put on pedestals. I lived in a constant state of judgment. Especially towards the end of my drinking career. I felt like the world owed me. I was sick with anger.

I discovered that resentment and fear were driving me and effecting every area of my life. And as long as that dark force was at the wheel I would never experience freedom.

As a father I need to deal with everything life throws at me

I made some painful realisations about myself and why I had lived such a damaged life. I also discussed my own abuse for the first time in my life. It is was a burden I could no longer carry. But they say honesty and truth will set you free and that has been my experience.

So I continue to stay awake to the darkness within myself. It doesn’t mean I live a somber life, only focusing on the negative. But it does mean that I have a conscious awareness of myself. I meditate to stay free from rising anger and resentment caused by the inevitable stresses in the stream of life

Therapy is a good thing. All avenues of help can benefit someone lost in their own darkness. But without looking at the whole picture, no real progress will be made.

The reconnection of a relationship after babies

If you are a parent with newborns, or young children you will be aware that things can emotionally change between yourself and your partner. Those changes most likely began with the pregnancy. You may also be wondering if your relationship will ever be the same?

My wife and I didn’t sail into the pregnancy in a good place together. We had dealt with the stress of moving house a month before we discovered we had triplets. And we were also dealing with a couple of years filled with disappointment in failing to conceive. We did have the occasional spark of hope, which sadly turned out to be false positive tests.

There was a building tension in our marriage that was reaching breaking point. Then BOOM! We were thrown into a high risk pregnancy and there was no going back.

From the first scan it was like we veered off in different directions emotionally. My wife consumed and struggling with the fears and risks involved with our situation. And me doing my best to remain conscious and keep my family calm and together.

There was a disconnect between us throughout the whole pregnancy. We may have been under the same roof, but we weren’t together.


The next time we would reconnect was in the NICU with the safe arrival ou our trio. We finally landed on the same page. Brought together by the love, relief and joy at the safe arrival of Ava, Blakely and Lacey.

As we brought them home my wife, and rightly so, became completely focused on the babies’. As I had stayed solid through the pregnancy, we now switched roles. As Stacey found her instincts as a mother, I began to sink into depression under the pressure of home life, work and sleep deprivation. My wife was too focused on her job to hear my problems as I struggled with my sanity. I once again felt as far apart from my wife as we were during the pregnancy.

I became consumed with the fear that before she fell pregnant we were a couple unhappy. And that maybe we would never reconnect as the couple who were once in love. I felt on the outside looking in on our home life, even though I was completely involved as a father. tiredness can do horrible things to a mind.

I became paranoid that our relationship was done. That It was now her and the babies. That I was no longer an interest in her life. self-pity was creeping in. And it wasn’t who I wanted to be, man consumed with myself and my doubts. I would be no use as a father in that place.

Looking back It took one thing for us to reconnect as a couple. Patience. My wife had been through the mill with the pregnancy and was finding her place as a mother to three babies. As I was finding my role. Which was just to support her and be patient. To not make my fears and anxieties an extra weight to put on her. All I needed to do was to be of use, to my wife and stay involved with my daughters.


It was only when I began to step back from pressuring her, and let go of my fears and doubts about our relationship that we begin to find each other again. We needed each other more than ever. And She needed all the space and support I could give her. Of course things have changed. But those massive changes have only bonded us closer as a family finding our way in a surreal situation.

My job a s husband has always been to support my wife. My job as a father in the beginning was no different. Be patient and you will almost certainly meet again. And discover the love you once had will have gone no-where,

Freedom from anger in the stream of life

The biggest killer in the world is heart disease, the main contributing factor is stress.

Jealousy, bitterness, petty irritations, anxiety, anger and rage are all evidence that something dark has infiltrated your psyche. Resentment has taken a hold on your life. It makes life a trial that becomes ever more difficult to navigate without being constantly knocked back by stressful events.

From dealing with the pressures of lockdown to the stresses of home schooling the kids, these stresses if not faced with grace will collect and create more problems in the way you approach and deal with life.

Anger isn’t a healthy emotion to be managed. It is a dark force that we must be freed from if we are to live long and healthy lives. Discovering this truth marks the beginning of a path to Freedom. It is possible to become free from the negative emotional charge of resentment. You don’t have to believe me. If you meditate a certain way you will have your own experience.

Through our emotions, fed by our thinking we learn unhealthy ways to cope with the negativity we experience in the stream of life. We use food, sex, relationships or anything that feels good and distracts us from the conflicts within ourselves.

Getting free from the resentment energy we have collected over the years is incredibly simple. If you imagine a vessel filled with darkness, if you were to fill it with light the darkness would leave. Light would replace it. If you meditate without contemplation, without distractions or focusing on breathing, just by being still you can access light. A spiritual light, a force of love that expels darkness/resentment.

Within a few days you will firstly become aware of the negativity within you. It may get louder. Don’t let this frighten you. Have a little faith and soon it will pass without any effort on your behalf. You will soon realise that a supernatural force of love has done for you what seemed impossible.

No meditation is a toy. And this is a very powerful awakening exercise. So if you are struggling with negativity, overthinking, or any type of emotional disturbance I will leave the link here. It’s at the bottom of this blog post. It’s free, there’s nothing to buy or learn. It is simply a way to become free from resentment and live consciously without the constant emotional struggles.

God bless x

A positive pain post

It’s been a while since I have shared about my Central pain syndrome. And it feels good to be able to write a positive post about it.

The medications I started on last October have finally kicked in. I have of late experienced much lower pain levels. Mentally I also feel much clearer. I put much of my current health down to the meditation exercise I practice.

Last year I struggled with the pain. To the point of deppresion. Getting lost in self pity my relationship with Stacey was becoming affected by it. We already have enough to deal with having a teenager in the house and triplet toddlers.

There’s little time to rest at home

The main problem looking back is that I was grappling with fear and resentment. I began to get overwhelmed with the fact that I was in so much pain. I resented that I was suffering, the stress of which only amped up the pain. I also began to get dragged into fear of how much the CPS had changed my life, and what the future would look like for me.

Another of my problems was tiredness and exhaustion. I have recently had a sleep study done and have been diagnosed with a sleep apnea. No-one can function well with out solid sleep, and due to my condition I wasn’t getting sufficient rest. Dealing with the situation I am in at home on top of it, it was no wonder I was wrestling with myself to remain conscious and free from negative emotions.

I am picking up a breathing unit from the sleep study clinic. It means I will have to wear an oxygen mask to bed. And with proper, sound and solid sleep my days will be much easier to handle. It also means that I will be able to manage my CPS better.

So it would seem like things are going well. I am also now clear of the Coronavirus which is another positive. It’s a good start to the year in many ways. Let’s hope it continues. And I’m praying that my CPS is going to remain easier to navigate around. It means I cannot get complacent with it, but I am determined to not let it control me anymore.

Why all the meditation posts?

I get pulled up occasionally as to why I always respond to other’s emotional problems with a link to the free meditation exercise.

Simply put it is because it is there they will discover an answer to their problems. Not through me or any advice I can give. I share of myself on my blog. I am very open about my experiences and how I deal with them by practicing conscious awareness. Via meditation.

People can be suspicious, as if I am directing to promote some kind of money making scheme. The truth is that apart from my book (I’m self published and add a link to my book for those who may feel they could benefit from my experience). My blog is a non profit one. In fact I pay to not have advertisements. This blog costs me money to run. But I’m not complaining. I receive more messages of thanks then I do suspicious complaints.

The link is to a friends meditation that he passes on freely. There’s no books to buy or guru to follow. It is a a way to deal with the pressures of parenthood which is why I feel it is so important to make available for those struggling.

So next time you see a link to the meditation, remember that for someone it is a life saving proposition. One that as a recovered alcoholic with a history of mental health conflicts has changed my life and continues to do so.

Staying sober

I have no doubt that If I had become a father whilst I was an active alcoholic I would have been a deadbeat dad. I would have been incapable of dealing with a family life because I was unable to put anything in the way of the next drink.

I get asked a lot how I remain sober. Being seven and a half years away from my last drink I know a thing or two about what it takes to stay on the wagon and improve as a man and a father in the process.

I am by no means a perfect husband or parent. I have made, and still make mistakes. But I do have a willingness to own my mistakes and learn from them.

In recovering from alcoholism I got down to the cause of my drinking, which was nothing more than a symptom of my spiritual malady. Alcohol to me was a solution. It allowed me to stuff down my pain of guilt for the destructive life I was living.

My solution to my anger problem

The real cause of my alcoholism was suppressed resentment and fear. From an abusive childhood I became infected with anger. That anger drove my existence. I became a selfish, self centred man, caring only for myself and my wants and needs. Until I got free from that spirit of resentment nothing would ever change. Even without the crutch of alcohol I was the same self centred individual.

I soon discovered that If I was to find emotional stability in sobriety I would have to treat the cause. I had to find a way to stay free from anger and outgrow my fears. This would take a spiritual solution. Because being infected with anger is a spiritual problem. Believe it or not.

I needed a solid way to face the pressures of each day with a certain grace, without being rattled by stress, no matter what the cause.

If resentment (irritation, frustration, jealousy, bitterness) was my problem, then unless I had a way to face it it would eventually take me back to a drink. I have no reservations about that. I would eventually need to get relief from the constant negative chatter in my head and judgement I felt towards those in my life.

So how do I do it?

It is more simple than you would think. Painful at times as I face the fears in myself but it takes faith to overcome those nagging fears. The recovery program that initially got me sober suggests prayer and meditation as a way to remain sober and grow emotionally. I needed to find the right meditation for this vital practice.

I practice non contemplative meditation. In the morning on awakening I think about the day ahead. I ask God to give me all I need to deal with whatever may come in that day then I mediate for 15 – 20 minutes using a guided exercise. One that is in line with the spiritual path I have chosen to walk in sobriety. Then during the day I am concious to deal with any stressful events that my occurr.

I am protected against resentment from moment to moment the more I am in the present moment. Meditation makes that state of awareness possible.

I put my wellbeing and ability to parent consciously down to daily meditation, to faith. I am a man who is hard to rattle. I stay emotionally neutral to the dramas In my life, free from anger and fear. Growing as a husband and father in the stream of life. Each day moving forward and further away from the next drink.

I will leave the link here to the free meditation exercise I use. And if you are struggling with destructive obsessive symptoms. If you are constantly being battered by your own mind I hope you find here what I did all those years ago.

Involved men make confident children

Most of the conclusions I have come to around parenting have been drawn from my own experience. And in understanding my own failures, to then being willing to see the changes I would need to bring into my own life as a dad. It hasn’t been easy at times.

Children need stability. I see more than ever that raising healthy and confident children takes certain vital ingredients. Of course those certain elements that we as parents are adding in from day to day will not always be given with balance, because the tectonic plates of life are constantly moving. But working together to bring consistency to our daughters lives is important.

Four big responsibilities

I spent the majority of my life resenting a dad that didn’t have any time for me. His involvement with himself and his personal issues didn’t afford him a great deal of time to focus on a relationship with me. And to see the relationships others had with dads who were proud of their kids, who took an interest in their lives was hard for me to take in. Throw in the abuse and his addiction and our relationship was so far from anything I could see my friends were experiencing. It was bound to affect me and did.

Over the years it became apparent that there was a common thread in others, like me, who had been failed by the one man in a their lives who should have been the constant figure of stability, strength and love. They all suffered emotionally from the damage of that damaged separation. Anger problems, addiction issues and unhealthy relationships centred around control and fear became normal.

Some men go into fatherhood knowing exactly what their role is. And how his own conscious approach to dealing with the massive pressures coming will impact his family for the better. A lot of men don’t, not because they are bad. But because they, like me grew up walking a very different path to one of knowing and understanding the importance of the principles of love and tolerance with a family.

A beautiful connection

A fathers involvement in the most stressful event can tip the balance of an already emotionally volatile situation for the better. The smallest gestures from day one can ease tensions and bring confidence to a pregnant partner who is already going through the emotional wringer. Early bonding for an example, can relief stress and give a show of commitment. It is also a way to begin to connect. To make a start on a relationship that will not always be easy.

From day one involvement is everything to a father/child relationship. Patience and tolerance, if put at the centre of a home can make all the difference. But it takes a willingness to practice those simple principles in his life. To be willing to outgrow his fears and shortcomings, to grow as a man in his responsibilities. If the weight of his role can be carried with care and attention. His children will benefit and thrive under his love. And Mum will also benefit from his stability.