Patience, love and tolerance

Fatherhood is a tough gig. We deal with stress daily and these pressures can take their toll on us. And without a way to deal with stress it gets taken it out on the wife/partner and sadly the kids. They walk on eggshells around the man of the house who should be an example of emotional stability. Instead he becomes an over emotional wreck. Ground down by the world around him.

It happened to me when the triplets came home from the hospital. Trying to stay awake doing a dangerous, physical job during the day then dealing with the babies most of the night whilst my wife breastfed them. I had to stay awake for the feeds to keep my wife from falling asleep with a baby on her, which could have been dangerous. I was shattered and unprepared for the reality of early fatherhood.

Thankfully I snapped out of it when I saw a flash of anger in me. I knew something had to give. I knew that a calm house was needed for my wife to produce milk and for my daughters to thrive. Children who grow up around anger become infected with it. It creates stress in them which can cause health problems and eventually will set them on the same destructive path that the parents have taken. No one can survive anger

From the beginning of the pregnancy I knew that I had to be a stable force in my families life. Aswell as a heavily stressed out wife I had to deal with a stressed out step daughter. Neither of them wanted the triplets. My wife didn’t bond at all and was crushed with depression for the whole pregnancy. My job was to not retaliate when she got angry at me. I had to show her I meant business with the trio that were taking over her body. I stayed conscious of my own rising emotions and through meditation I stayed neutral to them. I didn’t get overwhelmed with our situation or the mental and financial strain I knew it was going to take on us.

When I got sober a decade ago I adopted the spiritual principles of love, patience and tolerance. I discovered a supernatural solution to my anger problem through non contemplative meditation. It was a way to access an inner light that would bring protection against the external forces of resentment. I got free from anger (yes, I typed that correctly). And I mastered resentment through practicing conscious awareness. During my marriage my wife can only recollect me getting angry once. And it was during a heated conversation with my brother at a time my mother was in hospital with cancer. We were all experience stress at that time.

For the most I dealt with the pressures of life with grace. Unmoved by emotions and providing financially and emotionally for my family. And it worked. Patience and tolerance became my ‘watch’ words. So I knew when the triplets came into our lives what to do. Apart from a wobble when they first came home, I have practiced patience and tolerance with them. I rarely raise my voice, and I never do it with anger. There is a way to discipline with love and sometimes a raised voice from a place of love is a powerful thing. And it’s needed in dealing with three 5 year olds who constantly bounce off each other.

I firmly believe that love, patience, tolerance and a willingness to forgive under a mans roof can allow a man to be guiding force of good for his family. All it takes is a wanting to change. To become a man who grows in those spiritual principles. With faith at the centre of his life, no longer driven by emotions and sharpening from stress as a man should. We all have the ability to live this peaceful existence.

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/

Iron sharpens Iron

We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people and situations that bring added pressure on us. The stresses of fatherhood alone can grind us down, and without a solution to these seemingly negative events in the stream of life we are propelled on a downward spiral into poor mental health. Growing ever more agitated along the way. And no man likes to admit he’s being defeated. Especially under his own roof.

It’s not just the big events that cause damage, the minor irritations can create as much trouble for us mentally, and eventually physically. A body worn down by stress is a body susceptible to sickness. Therefore staying fit mentally, and spiritually, is all the more important.

We live in a world of distractions. And although these distractions may bring temporary relief they don’t fix the problems like anger and anxiety. It’s not just thing’s like food, drugs and alcohol that are used to get relief from the internal conflicts we experience from a failure to meet the pressures of life.

The majority of meditations, marketed and sold as solutions are mere distraction techniques. Mostly Bhuddist meditation practices. Drifting off into to fantasy or hypnosis through breathing whilst hooking you into Eastern religions. They are like a band aid on an infection. They do little to resolve the real issue. Mindfulness is the answer, but it takes a very different type of practice to be able to build resilience to stress.

Strengthen from stressful encounters

There is a way to build resilience to stress. To sharpen from emotionally charged events as iron sharpens iron. Instead of being worn down from the pressures of daily life we can use these moments to strengthen ourselves.

There is a type of non religious meditation. Passed on freely by a friend of mine who has decades of practicing this unique meditation exercise. I myself have been using it daily for almost a decade and cannot stress the importance of practicing conscious awareness in my daily life. Through it I have mastered resentment and gotten free from anger. It has helped me deal with chronic pain and raise young triplets without sinking too deeply into self pity/anger, or from getting constantly overwhelmed by negative emotions. I have become for the most, neutral to those forces

If it is stability you seek then look no further. There is nothing to buy or online groups to join. It is a simple guided meditation, a personal experience to be done alone. Just 10-15 minutes, morning and night will be enough for this powerful awakening exercise to work.

And it works fast. If you are struggling with life, If anger, depression and anxiety are hampering your ability to be the father you so badly want to be. Commit to this simple practice and ‘watch’ your life change and begin to build from stress. Be an example to your children of a man who doesn’t break under pressure, be the man you were born to be. Give your family true stability and you will never look back

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/

Free from emotions

A person who suffers from anger will never make right decisions in life. Their discernment is clouded and navigating life will become a painful struggle. They will fail to experience real love because they are in a constant state of judgment. Always on the back foot and threatened by everyone. Even those in their own home.

It’s a life driven by emotions and will ensure anxiety and deppresion. It an existence of being pulled around by event’s big and small as they try to find peace, but overthinking just creates more emotional turmoil and more resentment. It all happens under the surface where it seems there is no means of escape. It’s a life of exhaustion. And it needn’t be that way. We needn’t be ruled by frustration, fear and resentment – owned by emotions.

Through a simple stepping back from thoughts we sever the ties to the emotions that weave through them.
In awakening this way we also discover a power that can change the course of our lives, one that can only be found in stillness – in the present moment.

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/

A time for change

It’s been a a strange time of late with a lot to digest in my personal life. It really feels like I’ve reached a crossroads and it’s time for a change. I need a challenge and have decided to gain some qualifications. I am enrolling in college to study GCSE maths and english.

I left school early and sat no exams. The truth was I struggled badly in my school years. As a family we moved every year or so, it meant I never stayed anywhere long enough for the teachers to pick up that I had learning difficulties. Undiagnosed ADHD and Asbergers left me unable to hold information or concentrate enough to learn anything. I was seen as a troublesome kid by my teachers.

I have learned to write by reading lot’s of books. My own book was a challenge in itself and I was lucky to have such an understanding editor. Writing this blog has also helped me craft my skills.

I want to achieve what I failed at as a kid. I have always worked since leaving school and in my twenties got into welding. It’s work I really enjoyed until I developed central pain syndrome after a car accident in 2018. I had to give up physical work and am lucky to have kept a job in the company I have worked at for the last seven years.

I want to study English now. I want to understand writing at a deeper level. As for maths I am probably at primary school level so it won’t hurt me to study and learn basic skills.

There have always been times in my life that I have wanted to push myself further. Especially since recovering from alcoholism and mental health problems. So I’m going to go for it, just to improve myself. It won’t be easy but I’m ready and committed.

My assessment with the college is coming up and they have already said they will take into consideration my ADHD and support me through it. I’m looking forward to a change. And hopefully I’ll get the grades.

Closure

If you have read my book or have followed my blog you will be aware of the destructive nature of the relationship between my dad and I. I have often wondered what happened to him,

We were tied only by anger. And when I left home at 15 the toll of the abuse from him had infected me with the same spirit of anger that he had carried with him since his own horrendous childhood. He suffered sexual and physical abuse at the hands of his father. There was a sickness in his family that led to anger and addiction. I hated my dad more than anything. It was anger I fought to suppress and it led me to seek relief. Alcoholism became my path. Filled with shame, frustration and anger from my own abuse as a child. I never saw my father again apart from a brief encounter in a pub when I was 18.

I was 36 when I finally found permanent sobriety. I had reached a point that I had to let go of the hate towards him. He was a sick man that sadly became a father to two boys. He was ill equipped to mentally deal with fatherhood. Neither brother or I were planned and we both suffered from his inability to deal with his own abuse and poor mental health. I forgave him, simply by not hating him, I had to, otherwise I would have gone out by way of alcoholism or suicide. My life had to change. The anger carried through generations of his family had to stop with me. And it did.

I hoped that he would one day know peace. That he would overcome his anger and addictions but for a man with such a dark past, that hope was slim.

Now I finally discovered what happened to him. My wife found his death certificate online. He died from a ruptured aneurysm. Internal bleeding killed him on Christmas eve in 2003. He was 56 years old. His lifestyle of anger, addiction and alcohol abuse took him out in the end. It’s brought closure, it’s also raised a few emotions. If anything I feel sadness. No child should suffer abuse and trauma. It set’s off a tragic life of damage and pain that many never fully recover from.

I thank God with all my heart for releasing me of my anger. For giving me all I need to be a kind loving man. To be of use to those still locked in the darkness of trauma and anger. It’s been a painful journey but there is a lot of love in my life. And my children will know only love and patience from me. It feels like a chapter in my life has now closed and its time to move forward with the family I have been entrusted with.

A father’s strength

Becoming a dad is the beginning of a turbulent journey. One that will bring stress, love and joy in turn. Being a father takes a certain mindset that when committed to can help a family trive. The saying is true, ‘there is no manual’ and many men, like myself, were thrown in at the deep end with no real warning. It literally becomes a case of sink or swim.

I believe the biggest hurdle in parenting is stress. Woman go through their own emotional struggles as they adjust mentally and physically to new motherhood. Whereas we men face our own pressures. And if you can find a way to meet stress in a way that you build resilience to it, fatherhood becomes a whole new journey.

There needs to be a solid foundation on which a healthy family can be built. A spirit of patience and love at the centre of a home can create an environment in which the whole family can thrive. Meeting stressful daily events with intolerance and resentment only fragments relationships and builds more tension.

Most of what I have learned about fatherhood has been taken from the broken down relationship with my own dad. I know the type of parent I don’t want to be. My children will be raised in a loving home with open communication, love and support. Discipline especially must come from a spirit of love. Anger only fuels anger

Men must bring a level of stability and calm to a home and I didn’t always get it right. My wife was a stay at home parent when the triplets came home. She was dealing with hard days when I returned to work, it was a massive undertaking. She was also breastfeeding which required that she stayed calm and relatively stress free. It took me a few months to adjust myself. I became resentful and overwhelmed in the beginning, fuelled by exhaustion and stress I sank mentally for a while. It was tough going with 3 babies all in need of attention.

But thankfully I snapped out of my negativity. I had to. I didn’t want to be the dad that couldn’t handle the situation. Beaten down by stress and frustration I was only creating problems under my roof. I knew the problem and also knew the solution. Anger had pierced me and I had to become free from it.

No man likes to admit they have an anger problem. I certainly didn’t. But as much as I was suppressing it I couldn’t escape it. I resented that I couldn’t get enough sleep, I resented the feelings of separation I felt. My mother in law moved into help and I really felt like I was on the outside looking in. It was all knew to me and I wasn’t one hundred percent sure as to what I was doing. I was beginning to feel like a loose end. Instead of being grateful for the help we had, I resented it.

My new reality was something I had to get a grip of. If I couldn’t deal with the pressures of early parenting my life was going to get one hell of a lot harder. My family needed me emotionally and  spiritually present. I had to do more than just go through the motions of work and home-life each day.

The real problem I had was resentment. It was clouding my judgment and adding tension to an already difficult situation. I was like a zombie, stumbling unconsciously through my days and drowning in self pity under the surface. I had to wake up! And one way to spiritually awaken is through non contemplative meditation. And it took me just days to get back into the stream of life when I realised something had to give.

A fathers strength lies in his ability to practice patience and tolerance in the face of adversity. Free from anger and with a protection against stress, life became manageable once more. I had more energy as I wasn’t burning myself out trying to constantly manage my emotions and trying to control everything. My erratic emotions naturally regulated as a result of meditation. In waking up I found my role at home and began to enjoy fatherhood. Tensions also lifted and even though tiring, home-life became one of love.

I was able to feel a part of the journey for the first time since they were born. And I continue to meditate daily and be the man my family needs. All it takes is for me to be awake. And whilst in that conscious state I find all I need just comes. I now intuitively deal with life without struggling. Problems are just opportunity’s for growth and there’s no shortage of those.

Here’s the link to the free, non religious meditation exercise that I use.

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/

Happy 5th

5 years ago on the 4th of July our triplets were born by C-section, exactly 2 minutes apart. Ava, Lacey and little Blakely came into the world screaming to bob Marleys ‘3 little birds’. It was a surreal day, and a miracle they made it all healthy through a high risk pregnancy.

Ava

And so began our journey as a family. And for me, my first experience as a biological dad doing the baby deal. And boy was I in for a shock. Exhaustion hit me hard, as it did with Stacey who had planned on, and began breastfeeding the trio.

Lacey

I struggled through the first 6 months as best I could and eventually thing’s got a little easier. When the girls began sleeping through the night and I got some rest, for the first time in a while my sanity returned. And as the girls grew and developed we also faced new challenges.

Blakely

This last 5 years has shot by. It’s hard to believe we have come so far and are still together as a family. It’s no secret that raising multiples is hard going at times. The girls are relentless in their energy and stress us both out but Stacey and I are good at communicating and discussing any problems as we go along.

It’s also no secret that I am a very proud dad and have committed completely to my role. I love being a father, even though the pressures and challenges we continue to face can wear me out, I still manage to practice patience and tolerance. I am convinced and have been from the start of my journey into fatherhood, that love, and the stability it brings, is the most important thing I can contribute to my family.

The gang

Bullies

As someone who has worked with men and women with anger problems, I understand the cause. I know how bullies operate and why they seek to transfer their anger and fear onto others. It is a spiritual cause, passed on during childhood. They are under the spell of resentment. It has infected them like a virus and they are unable to control their sick behaviours.

I was bullied as a child. Picked on and beaten up on occasion by older kids than me. I was too afraid to fight back. As a family we moved every year or two and as a result I was always the new boy. I was an easy target. Especially before I began high school. I grew angry and resentful. I also had learning difficulties which led me to have special needs classes which was just more ammo for those looking to harm me. In short I hated bullies and I hated school.

I think it’s every parents worst nightmare that their child be bullied. And for us it’s now become a reality.

The worst thing is how helpless we feel as parents. Stacey has been non-stop on the phone to the school. It got to the point where the police got involved. Even though action has been taken towards the girls involved, my daughter has been that affected that she’s had a full on panic attack. The bullies have used personal information about her biological dad to taunt her. They have gone well below the belt.

It’s hard not to feel anger, my initial response was to go and speak to the parents but I was talked out of it by Stacey and Frankie. It would have only made matters worse.

As a dad it’s my job to protect my children, but when they go to school I can’t do that. They are at the hands of the school. The most I can do is keep talking to her, to make sure she doesn’t begin to bottle up her emotions, suppression is dangerous in the long run. I can also show her how to get free from anxiety and deal with stress through meditation. I don’t want her to have to suffer as I did. My anger as a child caused me to struggle with my mental health for most of my life. My alcoholism was a result of suppressed resentment as was my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

It’s now just a case of seeing how it goes going forward. The girls involved have been reprimanded and the school are fully aware of the situation. No child should have to live under the threat of violence or take personal attacks. At school or at home.

On father’s day

It’s only natural that on father’s day I think about my dad and the lack of a relationship I had with him. There was a time I couldn’t mention him without feeling rising anger and fear.

He was an addict. Prescribed morphine twisted his mind along with anger from his sick upbringing. He abused alcohol and gambled, he had an obvious disliking for me that caused me to fear and resent. He grew up around sexual abuse and violence. He never wanted children. My brother and I were both accidents that he resented deeply.

My own abuse as a child was difficult to live with. I developed mental health problems as a result, and the anger I felt towards him just fuelled alcohol abuse from a young age. I blamed him for all my failings in life. My suppressed hatred almost destroyed me from the inside out. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder later in life. A behavioral disorder caused by trauma. His anger had become mine.

Becoming a dad was an opportunity to be a better man for my children

When I got sober I had to address, and face, my resentments. When I did I began to see him from a different angle. He was destroyed as a child. His father was a real bad man. My dad grew up without any loving guidance. He just grew up with deep emotional trauma and an inability to deal with stress. His addictions were his escapes, and he didn’t have the tools to be a stability in our lives.

I had taken the same path down a road of suppressed anger and addiction. Mental illness affected me as it had him. He was sick, and staying angry at a man who couldn’t control his anger was just insane. When I looked at the damaged life I had lived as a chronic alcoholic I had to give up my judgment. I had to let go of my anger.

I feel no more ill will towards him anymore. I was saved from my anger through an act of grace. I was eighteen the last time I saw him and he was in bad shape. My hope is that one day he discovered his own peace. Just as I had. And I give thanks to God that I was freed from anger before I became a dad myself. My children will know only love from me.

Becoming a dad was a big deal for me. It was a chance to be the man I always wanted to be as a father. I take my role very seriously, to be a dad is an honour. To be trusted with the life of another human being is the greatest responsibility I will ever have. And love and tolerance are principles I practice under my roof.

So, happy fathers day to all of you men reading this. Be the pillar of love and stability your children need and enjoy this day of recognition. X

A triplet dad – how do I do it?

I get asked a lot by other men how the heck I do it? They take a look at the three kids and are baffled as to how I function as a dad to triplets. They’ll say “i have enough trouble with one”. And I don’t doubt that. Kids are hard work – full stop.

There are times I wonder this question myself, especially when my CPS is flaring and I’m struggling myself to get through a day. But it all comes down to three thing’s – patience, tolerance and a commitment to fatherhood. I have a job to do, and it is the most important job I will ever have in this lifetime.

It would be easy for me to resent my situation, it is tiring and stressful. Especially at the age the girls are now. They are going through the tantrums, backchat and ignoring us stage, just to see what they can get away with. It’s a normal phase of their development, still we find ourselves constantly disciplining them. It can be exhausting, simply because there are three of them going through the same things.

I felt committed as a father when I married Stacey and became a step dad to Frankie. Then right from the first scan when we discovered my wife was pregnant with triplets, my path was cemented. I was to be a father. A lifetime of parenting (and grand-parenting) was ahead of me, with all the drama and stress that came with that role.

Like butter wouldn’t melt

And it hasn’t disappointed so far. The last five years it feels as though all we’ve had is stress and drama, and that’s without my personal health issues. But chronic pain aside I look back at how I’ve managed to make it and I believe I have done a good job so far. So how do I do it? I only have one answer. I do it consciously.

Since recovering from alcoholism 9 years ago I began practicing a simple, free meditation exersise. Every morning before the kids wake up I sit still for 10 minutes and pull back from the negative chatter in my mind. I wake up, and the meditative state sets me up for the day to stay free from rising anger, fear and frustration. Because I meditate this way I rarely suffer from anxiety because I am less affected by resentment.

It’s that simple. There is nothing more I need to do to stay emotionally stable as a father than to practice conscious awareness each day. It doesn’t mean life becomes a fluffy breeze – hell no! Life is tough and the temptation to bite into anger or frustration in the stream of life is very real. Half an hour with a screaming kid will confirm this.

But we can at least give ourselves a chance.

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/