Patience, love and tolerance

Fatherhood is a tough gig. We deal with stress daily and these pressures can take their toll on us. And without a way to deal with stress it gets taken it out on the wife/partner and sadly the kids. They walk on eggshells around the man of the house who should be an example of emotional stability. Instead he becomes an over emotional wreck. Ground down by the world around him.

It happened to me when the triplets came home from the hospital. Trying to stay awake doing a dangerous, physical job during the day then dealing with the babies most of the night whilst my wife breastfed them. I had to stay awake for the feeds to keep my wife from falling asleep with a baby on her, which could have been dangerous. I was shattered and unprepared for the reality of early fatherhood.

Thankfully I snapped out of it when I saw a flash of anger in me. I knew something had to give. I knew that a calm house was needed for my wife to produce milk and for my daughters to thrive. Children who grow up around anger become infected with it. It creates stress in them which can cause health problems and eventually will set them on the same destructive path that the parents have taken. No one can survive anger

From the beginning of the pregnancy I knew that I had to be a stable force in my families life. Aswell as a heavily stressed out wife I had to deal with a stressed out step daughter. Neither of them wanted the triplets. My wife didn’t bond at all and was crushed with depression for the whole pregnancy. My job was to not retaliate when she got angry at me. I had to show her I meant business with the trio that were taking over her body. I stayed conscious of my own rising emotions and through meditation I stayed neutral to them. I didn’t get overwhelmed with our situation or the mental and financial strain I knew it was going to take on us.

When I got sober a decade ago I adopted the spiritual principles of love, patience and tolerance. I discovered a supernatural solution to my anger problem through non contemplative meditation. It was a way to access an inner light that would bring protection against the external forces of resentment. I got free from anger (yes, I typed that correctly). And I mastered resentment through practicing conscious awareness. During my marriage my wife can only recollect me getting angry once. And it was during a heated conversation with my brother at a time my mother was in hospital with cancer. We were all experience stress at that time.

For the most I dealt with the pressures of life with grace. Unmoved by emotions and providing financially and emotionally for my family. And it worked. Patience and tolerance became my ‘watch’ words. So I knew when the triplets came into our lives what to do. Apart from a wobble when they first came home, I have practiced patience and tolerance with them. I rarely raise my voice, and I never do it with anger. There is a way to discipline with love and sometimes a raised voice from a place of love is a powerful thing. And it’s needed in dealing with three 5 year olds who constantly bounce off each other.

I firmly believe that love, patience, tolerance and a willingness to forgive under a mans roof can allow a man to be guiding force of good for his family. All it takes is a wanting to change. To become a man who grows in those spiritual principles. With faith at the centre of his life, no longer driven by emotions and sharpening from stress as a man should. We all have the ability to live this peaceful existence.

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/

Iron sharpens Iron

We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people and situations that bring added pressure on us. The stresses of fatherhood alone can grind us down, and without a solution to these seemingly negative events in the stream of life we are propelled on a downward spiral into poor mental health. Growing ever more agitated along the way. And no man likes to admit he’s being defeated. Especially under his own roof.

It’s not just the big events that cause damage, the minor irritations can create as much trouble for us mentally, and eventually physically. A body worn down by stress is a body susceptible to sickness. Therefore staying fit mentally, and spiritually, is all the more important.

We live in a world of distractions. And although these distractions may bring temporary relief they don’t fix the problems like anger and anxiety. It’s not just thing’s like food, drugs and alcohol that are used to get relief from the internal conflicts we experience from a failure to meet the pressures of life.

The majority of meditations, marketed and sold as solutions are mere distraction techniques. Mostly Bhuddist meditation practices. Drifting off into to fantasy or hypnosis through breathing whilst hooking you into Eastern religions. They are like a band aid on an infection. They do little to resolve the real issue. Mindfulness is the answer, but it takes a very different type of practice to be able to build resilience to stress.

Strengthen from stressful encounters

There is a way to build resilience to stress. To sharpen from emotionally charged events as iron sharpens iron. Instead of being worn down from the pressures of daily life we can use these moments to strengthen ourselves.

There is a type of non religious meditation. Passed on freely by a friend of mine who has decades of practicing this unique meditation exercise. I myself have been using it daily for almost a decade and cannot stress the importance of practicing conscious awareness in my daily life. Through it I have mastered resentment and gotten free from anger. It has helped me deal with chronic pain and raise young triplets without sinking too deeply into self pity/anger, or from getting constantly overwhelmed by negative emotions. I have become for the most, neutral to those forces

If it is stability you seek then look no further. There is nothing to buy or online groups to join. It is a simple guided meditation, a personal experience to be done alone. Just 10-15 minutes, morning and night will be enough for this powerful awakening exercise to work.

And it works fast. If you are struggling with life, If anger, depression and anxiety are hampering your ability to be the father you so badly want to be. Commit to this simple practice and ‘watch’ your life change and begin to build from stress. Be an example to your children of a man who doesn’t break under pressure, be the man you were born to be. Give your family true stability and you will never look back

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/

The miracle man

Suffering from an invisible illness can cause people to become suspicious. I was once accused by my best friend of making up an illness so I could sit around at home all day and take drug’s. It’s sad the people I have lost in my life due to central pain syndrome.

On Saturday night I was again taken to A&E with intense nerve pain flaring up in my head. And again I felt defeated as i knew there was nothing they could do for me. Neuralgia has taken me to some dark places since the accident but trying to cut out the pain was on a different level of suffering and an extreme action to take. At the time it felt like a rational decision, one that might reward me relief.

Thanks to my wife the hospital had to admit me. I was a danger to myself and the pain team didn’t want me leaving the hospital until the pain was under control. And it was bad. On Monday morning my wife walked into the cubicle I was in and caught me on the floor about to smash my head into the floor to try and knock myself out. It was a dire situation. One that I had lost hope of ever resolving  i had run out of fight and just wanted the pain to stop. The hospital put me on a morphine pump but it didn’t touch the pain.

The pain management team formulated a plan to move me to a bigger hospital so I could get a nerve block in the trigeminal nerve. They didn’t have the equipment in our small hospital to do the procedure. Then on the Tuesday morning a small miracle happened.

My wife came in after sitting at home in tears, frightened of what she was walking into and defeated from dealing with my pain over the years and also from dealing with everything at home since my admission into hospital. Instead she walked into a meeting I was having with the pain management doctor and an anethitist who filled us with hope. He suggested that the type of neuralgia I was suffering from was different from the diagnosis of trigeminal neuralgia that I had previously been given. It meant another nerve was being affected. He ssid that he could give me a nerve block for that condition, and that if his diagnosis was right it would mean me becoming instantly pain free in my head.

I consented immediately and was taken into theatre shortly after.

The procedure was successful and immediately after the pain in my head vanished. The doctors diagnosed was right. And for the first time in 4 years I had no pain in my head. I returned to the ward and my wife with a beaming smile. No longer wincing with pain. I was told I would need the procedure every few months to stay on top of the pain but that was s small price to pay. We could not thank the doctor enough, to us he was a miracle man. It meant I could begin to rebuild my life, I couldn’t change the years that were stolen from me but could have a life going forward. With no more self harm or suicide ideation.

I was to be discharged later that day. No longer suffering from neuralgia. I was a feee man at last. It also meant coming off some of the horrible medication I had to take. I would always suffer from the central pain in my spine and lower back but I can deal with that. What I was struggling to live with was the relentless nerve pain in my head – and now that had been eradicated.

I am grateful to the pain management team who understood my condition and didn’t judge me on my extreme actions. They knew what I was going through and knew that I wasn’t mentally ill. I was just a man who got unlucky with a whiplash injury. I could walk out of the hospital with a new hope. For myself and my beautiful family.

Free from emotions

A person who suffers from anger will never make right decisions in life. Their discernment is clouded and navigating life will become a painful struggle. They will fail to experience real love because they are in a constant state of judgment. Always on the back foot and threatened by everyone. Even those in their own home.

It’s a life driven by emotions and will ensure anxiety and deppresion. It an existence of being pulled around by event’s big and small as they try to find peace, but overthinking just creates more emotional turmoil and more resentment. It all happens under the surface where it seems there is no means of escape. It’s a life of exhaustion. And it needn’t be that way. We needn’t be ruled by frustration, fear and resentment – owned by emotions.

Through a simple stepping back from thoughts we sever the ties to the emotions that weave through them.
In awakening this way we also discover a power that can change the course of our lives, one that can only be found in stillness – in the present moment.

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/

A time for change

It’s been a a strange time of late with a lot to digest in my personal life. It really feels like I’ve reached a crossroads and it’s time for a change. I need a challenge and have decided to gain some qualifications. I am enrolling in college to study GCSE maths and english.

I left school early and sat no exams. The truth was I struggled badly in my school years. As a family we moved every year or so, it meant I never stayed anywhere long enough for the teachers to pick up that I had learning difficulties. Undiagnosed ADHD and Asbergers left me unable to hold information or concentrate enough to learn anything. I was seen as a troublesome kid by my teachers.

I have learned to write by reading lot’s of books. My own book was a challenge in itself and I was lucky to have such an understanding editor. Writing this blog has also helped me craft my skills.

I want to achieve what I failed at as a kid. I have always worked since leaving school and in my twenties got into welding. It’s work I really enjoyed until I developed central pain syndrome after a car accident in 2018. I had to give up physical work and am lucky to have kept a job in the company I have worked at for the last seven years.

I want to study English now. I want to understand writing at a deeper level. As for maths I am probably at primary school level so it won’t hurt me to study and learn basic skills.

There have always been times in my life that I have wanted to push myself further. Especially since recovering from alcoholism and mental health problems. So I’m going to go for it, just to improve myself. It won’t be easy but I’m ready and committed.

My assessment with the college is coming up and they have already said they will take into consideration my ADHD and support me through it. I’m looking forward to a change. And hopefully I’ll get the grades.

Closure

If you have read my book or have followed my blog you will be aware of the destructive nature of the relationship between my dad and I. I have often wondered what happened to him,

We were tied only by anger. And when I left home at 15 the toll of the abuse from him had infected me with the same spirit of anger that he had carried with him since his own horrendous childhood. He suffered sexual and physical abuse at the hands of his father. There was a sickness in his family that led to anger and addiction. I hated my dad more than anything. It was anger I fought to suppress and it led me to seek relief. Alcoholism became my path. Filled with shame, frustration and anger from my own abuse as a child. I never saw my father again apart from a brief encounter in a pub when I was 18.

I was 36 when I finally found permanent sobriety. I had reached a point that I had to let go of the hate towards him. He was a sick man that sadly became a father to two boys. He was ill equipped to mentally deal with fatherhood. Neither brother or I were planned and we both suffered from his inability to deal with his own abuse and poor mental health. I forgave him, simply by not hating him, I had to, otherwise I would have gone out by way of alcoholism or suicide. My life had to change. The anger carried through generations of his family had to stop with me. And it did.

I hoped that he would one day know peace. That he would overcome his anger and addictions but for a man with such a dark past, that hope was slim.

Now I finally discovered what happened to him. My wife found his death certificate online. He died from a ruptured aneurysm. Internal bleeding killed him on Christmas eve in 2003. He was 56 years old. His lifestyle of anger, addiction and alcohol abuse took him out in the end. It’s brought closure, it’s also raised a few emotions. If anything I feel sadness. No child should suffer abuse and trauma. It set’s off a tragic life of damage and pain that many never fully recover from.

I thank God with all my heart for releasing me of my anger. For giving me all I need to be a kind loving man. To be of use to those still locked in the darkness of trauma and anger. It’s been a painful journey but there is a lot of love in my life. And my children will know only love and patience from me. It feels like a chapter in my life has now closed and its time to move forward with the family I have been entrusted with.

Men and spiritual health

Obviously, the more present we are as father’s the greater the impact it has on a family. Everyone under the roof benefits from a spirit of love and patience from dad. But it’s a state of conscious awareness that a lot men fail to reach. Not because they are bad parents, but because they failed to enlarge a vital part of their development as men.

Physical and mental health are important areas of our lives to improve in. Many of us have – or will suffer mental health struggles as a dad. Whether it’s adapting to a new baby at home or dealing with older children such as my 5 year old triplets who are testing my patience constantly. We have to face these challenges head on and meet them with grace.

Life as a parent can be exhausting

No man wants to admit he’s struggling emotionally. Secret resentments breed obsessive behaviours. The internal discomfort of harbouring ill will towards the ones we love sets up a need for relief, usually obsessively. The guilt experienced from suppressing anger can cause all sorts of havoc in a mans life. Resentment is the chief activator of our spiritual decline. So how do we overcome this problem?

Resentment is a spiritual force. An invisible energy that creeps in and clouds our natural discernment. We become infected through traumatic experiences – big and small. I have battled with chronic nerve pain pain and trigeminal neuralgia this last 4 years and as a result of frustration (which is just one flavour of resentment), my daily life became a struggle. And my inability to manage and deal with my situation meant my mental health took a nose-dive. I also physically suffered as a result. I had to master my resentments and build resilience to the stress I was experiencing. That was the solution.

Freedom from anger brings peace

Whatever the life challenges we face, we have a responsibility to our families to bring stability and love to our relationships with our partners and our children. It’s one hell of a job at times but we must be willing to grow in a spirit of tolerance if our families are to thrive, and if we are to strengthen from the problems we face.

One way to grow spiritually is through meditation. The metaphysical practice that I adopted almost a decade ago, freed me from my anger and placed me in a position of emotional neutrality.  Safe and protected in the stream of life. Through taking care of my spiritual health I balanced out mentally and physically. As a result of mastering resentment, I found my strength and life became manageable .

This doesn’t mean I have become the perfect human being, I still have flaws to outgrow but I have the willingness to improve myself. To be a better father, husband and friend. I owe this to the people in my life who rely on me. I want to be an example for my daughters, for them to see how a man should hold himself in this world.

Taking care of our spiritual health is not just important. It is vital for us to develop as men. We cannot successfully go through this life ground down with over emotional responses, resentments and fears. So be willing to grow, to be uncomfortable and make changes that will benefit you and make this journey one of light, free from the shackles of resentment.

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/

A father’s strength

Becoming a dad is the beginning of a turbulent journey. One that will bring stress, love and joy in turn. Being a father takes a certain mindset that when committed to can help a family trive. The saying is true, ‘there is no manual’ and many men, like myself, were thrown in at the deep end with no real warning. It literally becomes a case of sink or swim.

I believe the biggest hurdle in parenting is stress. Woman go through their own emotional struggles as they adjust mentally and physically to new motherhood. Whereas we men face our own pressures. And if you can find a way to meet stress in a way that you build resilience to it, fatherhood becomes a whole new journey.

There needs to be a solid foundation on which a healthy family can be built. A spirit of patience and love at the centre of a home can create an environment in which the whole family can thrive. Meeting stressful daily events with intolerance and resentment only fragments relationships and builds more tension.

Most of what I have learned about fatherhood has been taken from the broken down relationship with my own dad. I know the type of parent I don’t want to be. My children will be raised in a loving home with open communication, love and support. Discipline especially must come from a spirit of love. Anger only fuels anger

Men must bring a level of stability and calm to a home and I didn’t always get it right. My wife was a stay at home parent when the triplets came home. She was dealing with hard days when I returned to work, it was a massive undertaking. She was also breastfeeding which required that she stayed calm and relatively stress free. It took me a few months to adjust myself. I became resentful and overwhelmed in the beginning, fuelled by exhaustion and stress I sank mentally for a while. It was tough going with 3 babies all in need of attention.

But thankfully I snapped out of my negativity. I had to. I didn’t want to be the dad that couldn’t handle the situation. Beaten down by stress and frustration I was only creating problems under my roof. I knew the problem and also knew the solution. Anger had pierced me and I had to become free from it.

No man likes to admit they have an anger problem. I certainly didn’t. But as much as I was suppressing it I couldn’t escape it. I resented that I couldn’t get enough sleep, I resented the feelings of separation I felt. My mother in law moved into help and I really felt like I was on the outside looking in. It was all knew to me and I wasn’t one hundred percent sure as to what I was doing. I was beginning to feel like a loose end. Instead of being grateful for the help we had, I resented it.

My new reality was something I had to get a grip of. If I couldn’t deal with the pressures of early parenting my life was going to get one hell of a lot harder. My family needed me emotionally and  spiritually present. I had to do more than just go through the motions of work and home-life each day.

The real problem I had was resentment. It was clouding my judgment and adding tension to an already difficult situation. I was like a zombie, stumbling unconsciously through my days and drowning in self pity under the surface. I had to wake up! And one way to spiritually awaken is through non contemplative meditation. And it took me just days to get back into the stream of life when I realised something had to give.

A fathers strength lies in his ability to practice patience and tolerance in the face of adversity. Free from anger and with a protection against stress, life became manageable once more. I had more energy as I wasn’t burning myself out trying to constantly manage my emotions and trying to control everything. My erratic emotions naturally regulated as a result of meditation. In waking up I found my role at home and began to enjoy fatherhood. Tensions also lifted and even though tiring, home-life became one of love.

I was able to feel a part of the journey for the first time since they were born. And I continue to meditate daily and be the man my family needs. All it takes is for me to be awake. And whilst in that conscious state I find all I need just comes. I now intuitively deal with life without struggling. Problems are just opportunity’s for growth and there’s no shortage of those.

Here’s the link to the free, non religious meditation exercise that I use.

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/

Happy 5th

5 years ago on the 4th of July our triplets were born by C-section, exactly 2 minutes apart. Ava, Lacey and little Blakely came into the world screaming to bob Marleys ‘3 little birds’. It was a surreal day, and a miracle they made it all healthy through a high risk pregnancy.

Ava

And so began our journey as a family. And for me, my first experience as a biological dad doing the baby deal. And boy was I in for a shock. Exhaustion hit me hard, as it did with Stacey who had planned on, and began breastfeeding the trio.

Lacey

I struggled through the first 6 months as best I could and eventually thing’s got a little easier. When the girls began sleeping through the night and I got some rest, for the first time in a while my sanity returned. And as the girls grew and developed we also faced new challenges.

Blakely

This last 5 years has shot by. It’s hard to believe we have come so far and are still together as a family. It’s no secret that raising multiples is hard going at times. The girls are relentless in their energy and stress us both out but Stacey and I are good at communicating and discussing any problems as we go along.

It’s also no secret that I am a very proud dad and have committed completely to my role. I love being a father, even though the pressures and challenges we continue to face can wear me out, I still manage to practice patience and tolerance. I am convinced and have been from the start of my journey into fatherhood, that love, and the stability it brings, is the most important thing I can contribute to my family.

The gang

Bullies

As someone who has worked with men and women with anger problems, I understand the cause. I know how bullies operate and why they seek to transfer their anger and fear onto others. It is a spiritual cause, passed on during childhood. They are under the spell of resentment. It has infected them like a virus and they are unable to control their sick behaviours.

I was bullied as a child. Picked on and beaten up on occasion by older kids than me. I was too afraid to fight back. As a family we moved every year or two and as a result I was always the new boy. I was an easy target. Especially before I began high school. I grew angry and resentful. I also had learning difficulties which led me to have special needs classes which was just more ammo for those looking to harm me. In short I hated bullies and I hated school.

I think it’s every parents worst nightmare that their child be bullied. And for us it’s now become a reality.

The worst thing is how helpless we feel as parents. Stacey has been non-stop on the phone to the school. It got to the point where the police got involved. Even though action has been taken towards the girls involved, my daughter has been that affected that she’s had a full on panic attack. The bullies have used personal information about her biological dad to taunt her. They have gone well below the belt.

It’s hard not to feel anger, my initial response was to go and speak to the parents but I was talked out of it by Stacey and Frankie. It would have only made matters worse.

As a dad it’s my job to protect my children, but when they go to school I can’t do that. They are at the hands of the school. The most I can do is keep talking to her, to make sure she doesn’t begin to bottle up her emotions, suppression is dangerous in the long run. I can also show her how to get free from anxiety and deal with stress through meditation. I don’t want her to have to suffer as I did. My anger as a child caused me to struggle with my mental health for most of my life. My alcoholism was a result of suppressed resentment as was my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

It’s now just a case of seeing how it goes going forward. The girls involved have been reprimanded and the school are fully aware of the situation. No child should have to live under the threat of violence or take personal attacks. At school or at home.