All men are as*holes? The angry mum’s destroying their children

It is a self-evident truth that men and women are different. We live in a world where this truth is becoming less tolerated as genders are becoming blurred to accommodate individual preference and growing trends. Boys are ever more demonized at school for being born with different hormones to girls and encouraged to see it as a bad thing.

I don’t mean men and women should be treated any differently. What I mean is that both have different spiritual qualities that if are consciously guided and nurtured as they grow, will form healthy men and women who will both bring different strengths into their lives, relationships and the families they might go on to raise. A child needs both in their lives.

I recently observed a bitter rant on Twitter from a single mum, with many other’s jumping in to add their agreed poisoned opinion that “They don’t need men in their lives, and all men are assholes” And these women may not want men in their lives for whatever reason, they may well have had experiences that added evidence to their claim. But what about the child? How healthy is it for a child to be raised in an over emotional mud swamp being taught to believe that all men are assholes.

To selfishly neglect a child from having a conscious male in their life will only ever cause damage because it is a decision made in anger and bitterness. And as for the child, the daughters will grow up with an ingrained distrust and anger towards men passed onto them by the woman who should be teaching her how to respect others. These girls will never form healthy relationships because the good men they find they will push away. And they will have to settle for what they understand. Selfish slugs of men who will only reinforce their learned beliefs that ALL men are assholes.

And as for the boy’s raised in the environments of angry mothers? How will they ever grow to have a healthy view of themselves? in short they won’t. The spirit they were born with will be snuffed out as they fight to find their identity in themselves and their place in the world, forever resenting and questioning who they are. They will be set on a path of confusion and frustration born from the anger and bitterness, transferred to them from the woman in their lives who should be raising them to embrace and respect themselves.

To deny a child the presence of a conscious man in their lives and to raise them to believe good men don’t exists amounts to child abuse. It’s no wonder more children are growing to be ever more stressed and confused with this type of pressure placed on them. Growing up is confusing enough in this ever more distracting world. The need for honesty, forgiveness and truth when raising children is needed as much as the two different spiritual dynamics that contribute to their emotional wellbeing.

There are good men and good women in the world, as there are bad. But unless we forgive those who have caused us upset and harms it is always others who will suffer from harbouring our resentments. And some resentments will cause more damage than others.

 

 

From 24hr partying to 24hr parenting

There comes an inescapable transition that has to happen when becoming a parent. Those painful mornings of clinging to the toilet bowl looking for meaningful answers in the murky waters become replaced by needing to being present to change nappies and deal with dependant children. The two don’t mix for many reasons.

The transition can be hard, especially if you had dedicated your life as I had to raising hell and partying like it’s 1999 every weekend that began as standard on a monday night. I mean you can try to do both, but there will be more problems being caused than just having to deal a hangover while pacifying screaming babies and scraping poop out from under your fingernails. Thankfully for my children’s sake and that of my wifes I got sober before becoming a parent.

The emotional changes that occur when becoming a parent are intense and full of the temptation to fear and resent a new situation. An altruistic attitude must replace a self-serving one for the health of the family and that of the new additions to the household. I have met many dad’s who grew resentful that they could no longer carry on with their routine of letting off steam at the drop of a hat because life had changed so drastically.

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Nursing a baby is way more fun than nursing a hangover

But is life to become boring and dull? absolutely not. It can take time to adjust to a life of caring for others, and the rewards are endless. To resent at the loss of your previous life will only bring disharmony to those who now rely on you. Life may become consumed with the new job at hand and there can be little time for anything else. But it does get easier as a new view opens up ahead of you.

As new parents we have the opportunity to guide the directions of the lives entrusted to us. And as daunting as a task that is, take gratitude in the truth that you have been given a second life to live.

So all night warehouse parties may have been exchanged for all nighter’s trying to make devises to clear snot from your babies noses. But it is the greatest job any human can be given. So embrace parenthood, It’s your responsibility to do so after all the energy and effort you probably put into making the new additions in the first place.

 

Where did our babies go?

The last four months I have been adjusting to living with chronic pain. It’s been a difficult time that has had me feeling separated from my family and life. Lost in worry and limbo as to the cause and my outlook for the future, I have been missing what’s in front of me.

The last time I checked we had three babies, who were finding their feet with walking and developing social skills, and who didn’t fight like Ferrel animals when we changed their nappies. I have realised this last couple of weeks, as I have returned back to earth that the babies are gone. That phase of their lives is behind them and it’s strange to think it’s now over.

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My wife said to me at can be difficult to move on from each stage as they grow. She said at can be almost like grief as you lose the little personality you had to a new and different one. One that no longer sits still to play but has figured out how to get on the sofa and run about and laugh at you when you sternly tell them to “Sit down or you’ll hurt yourself”.

We no longer have babies but toddlers. Blakely has finally began taking her own unaided steps, and with the other two charging about like miniature drunk rhino’s it’s safe to say they have lost the baby title.

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They may have become toddlers but along with their new stage in life comes a new set of personalities, and serious some high-octane entertainment that without eyes in the back of our heads we would need a red line bat phone to A&E. I love this stage they are now in, they really are hilarious. Hard work but worth it in so many ways.

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The word of the day is “Lexa!”. The unison cry’s for the Amazon gadget can be heard through the baby monitor at bed time, and as soon as they awake. They still have their own language which is quickly expanding as they continue to communicate in a way we will never understand. It may be jibber-jabber to us, but they know exactly what they are on about. They have all now taken to dancing at every chance music comes on, busting out moves, pulling duck faces and mouthing along in song with a passion I’m proud to see as a musician and singer myself.

Having been at home off work has not been the ideal situation for us as a family, but in finding a little acceptance now around my health I have began to enjoy the fact I get to spend so much time with them. They are such bright lights it’s difficult to get lost in the dark for long.

 

Mental health screening for new dad’s. If you are a struggling dad, you need to read this

With ongoing public awareness of the increase in mental health problems in the U.K, and with frightening numbers of men committing suicide and growing campaigns for screening new dads. There is clearly a serious problem that needs to be addressed.

But what lies ahead in terms of help for those going into fatherhood who do choose to seek help for their problems? With little funding available for support groups the first port of call with depression is usually suggested to be the local GP. With a minimum waiting time of six months to speak to a professional, if you are suffering with depression or anxiety around the arrival of your child there will probably be little offer of anything more than drugs that can cause more problems in the long run.

Ironically there was a study funded by the pharmaceutical companies last year that concluded that more people who feel they may have depression should take antidepressants. But are medications that influence different chemicals in the brain to create a false sense of wellbeing really the only solution on offer? Sadly it seems that way.

You may be open enough to finding online support groups but then be overwhelmed in finding the experience of others walking the road you are facing as an expectant dad. The weight of the job head, and seeing that every parents situation is different, because every baby is not the same, can bring only more anxiety and fear. Many new dad’s feel alone with the pressures they face as all the focus is on mum, as it should be. Never the less, we face our own stresses and concerns. We can be closed books at the best of times, it can be difficult enough to reach out for help.

Men more than ever need to be present in the lives of their pregnant partners and newborn babies. Becoming overwhelmed by fears and anxieties during the pregnancy only adds extra pressure on a pregnant woman. An unstable emotional state in dad can bring problems and complications to mum’s health and that of  the baby she is carrying. awareness of what is in front of us as new fathers is vital to the health of our families.

The solution to depression in expectant fathers needs to be solved – fast. Women cannot be left to face the pressures of early motherhood alone. We fathers need to be emotionally present for the event. Not disconnected and lost in thoughts and fears.

Depression is simply a symptom of suppressed fear and resentment. We have emotionally reacted to events in the stream of life and stuffed down the negativity we experience. Like our fears and concerns around parenthood. This negativity culminates and creates and internal conflict. Big events or small events it makes little difference. They both have the same ability to disrupt something within us. suppression then creates the feelings you cannot shake under the surface and the thoughts you struggle with.

When these conflicts take hold we lose consciousness. It’s as if we fall asleep to the world around us as our awareness becomes shadowed by negative thoughts and worries. Self pity and doubt takes the place of a natural intuition. The more we suppress our problems, the more disconnect we feel to the people and situations in front of us. The less we are able to face life with courage. There has to be a way to safely face the trials life. And there is.

Recovering from depression, wether lost in the fears around becoming a dad for the first time, or going into fatherhood already suffering years of conflict within yourself is not the arduous mountain climb you would expept it to be. All it takes is a return to consciousness. Back to a place of neutrality where you are able to be present, free from negative thoughts and emotions. To reawaken to the now. Where life is happening and you are needed more than ever.

Now this isn’t a sales pitch. The solution I point to is completely free and available to anyone. No matter how much you may be suffering

Non contemplative meditation is like no other exercise out there. Through a simple practice we can observe thoughts and emotions. In the meditative state, there comes the natural ability to observe negativity without becoming overwhelmed. As suppressed negative emotions are expelled, suddenly meeting stress is no longer the cause of suffering. Because without hanging on, and being affected by the emotional pull of the events we have to face each day, we begin to build resilience.

Courage replaces fear and we are free to become the men of support our partners need, and the fathers our children deserve to have as they begin their own journeys into this turbulent world.

Life is never going to be easy, but neither should it break us from the inside out. If you are in desperate need of help, here it is. You don’t need to suffer in silence.

You really don’t need to suffer at all.

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/

 

I wasn’t really going insane – I was just a new parent

In my finding my own mental wellbeing through meditation I became aware more than ever of the impact my emotional state has not only on me, but those around me. It is an understanding I placed at the centre of my role as a husband to Stacey and father figure to Frankie. I became a father figure in Frankie’s life when she had just turned six, so there was a whole chunk of parenting that I had missed. The really hard part.

Then the triplets came along and our world turned upside-down. The emotional rollercoaster we were set on in those early days was always going to take its toll on me as I adjusted to a situation that I had no experience of. I had never changed a nappy in my life, or had to function on so little sleep. I feared for the strain it was putting on my marriage and was hard on myself for becoming overwhelmed with a situation I wanted from the first scan.

I was unable to meditate and stay conscious of the rising fears and doubts within myself because every time I closed my eyes I fell asleep. Without the meditation I was sliding into trouble, and that only brought more fear.

I had expectations of myself as a father and wasn’t living up to them. I began to resent myself. The changes were immense and brought more emotional pressure on my family than I could ever have imagined it would. And all I wanted, was to be consistent everyday as I was before the birth. To keep spending time with Frankie as I did before the trio came along and promised I would. I had an idea of how I wanted it to be for us all and I felt I was failing at my role. I was losing my emotional stability and finding self-pity.

It was a while before I awoke to how self-centred I had become in the expectations I had. I felt the cloak of depression descending on me because my wife had changed and I felt so distant from her, Frankie was also struggling to emotionally adjust and I was too tired, too lost in myself to be of real use. And worst of all I was making it all about me.

Yet all that had happened was that I had become a new parent, thrown into trenches with no experience and consumed by the demands of three dependant newborns.

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Lacey

It was my wife that brought the stability in the early days after she had struggled so much with the pregnancy. It was her experience and intuition as a mother that kept the family afloat as I adjusted and found my feet as a new dad.

My mistake was, and always has been to put expectations on myself and others, it only brings resentment. And it was a mistake I made again going into fatherhood. And being hard on myself just created more problems for me and my family.

We did pull through as a family as the babies settled into their routines and I let go of my expectations, wants and needs. When my focus shifted back to taking care of those around me and when my conciousness returned I was able to find my place again. life became easier for all of us . It was never going to be easy. But looking back I didn’t need to make it harder. Living a day at a time is enough, especially as a first time dad.

 

 

Aspergers and me

I have shared many personal thing’s about myself in this blog. In the hope they resonate with other parents who may be experiencing the same emotional difficulties and may be seeking a way to overcome them, and to let them know that they are not alone and that there is a solution.

There is however one aspect of my life that I rarely share with other’s. Partly because it’s too difficult to explain to someone who doesn’t live with it. And also because it’s something I rarely think about. Yet now as a parent it is something that crosses my mind more as I watch my daughters grow and develop.

At the age of 34 I was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. Autism runs in my immediate family, so for me not to get coloured with a brush of a neurological difference in the way I see and process life would have been a small placed bet.

As I child I was problematic (only to others) as my ADHD caused issues with my schooling and home-life. My complete lack of concentration and inability to operate at less than a hundred miles an hour was not really understood, so I was seen as a problem child. I struggled to learn as others did. I took everything that was said literally which also caused me confusion. As a result, along with other emotional problems I was experiencing I quickly felt my difference and separation from the world around me.

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The world became confusing pretty quickly

I soon made the decision that to fit in I needed to learn from watching the way others acted and interacted, and do what they did. I didn’t always learn from the best examples or get it right. That acting became exhausting and caused depression and anxiety. I became a bit of an oddball. I was either over the top and taking things too far, or sinking into depression at my inability to be like I wanted to be. And then came alcohol. And with alcohol came a new freedom and answer to my social problems.

In retrospect my saving grace (although it didn’t seem it at that time) was that I left home early. Just before my 15th birthday. I was forced to learn to live in a world I didn’t understand with people I didn’t get. In truth it was alcohol that gave me all I needed to cope and get by. And without alcohol, the traits of Aspergers along with my other mental health problems made my inability to react with others and deal with the stresses of daily life stick out like a sore thumb. My frustration’s only grew with my feelings of seperation.

Getting diagnosed was like a one-tonne penny dropping. And since understanding Aspergers more I have come to understand myself more. And nothing has helped me deal with the anxieties that I experienced with it more than the mediation I practice, the one I share the link to on my menu page.

Occasionally my traits become apparent. Now and again my wife will jokingly tell me to ‘put my Aspergers away’, she is more aware of my traits then me at times.

Nowaday’s it affects me less, as over the years I have become more comfortable with myself and realised It’s okay not to have to force myself into situations I don’t want to be in. I’m still not overly comfortable in social situations (unless i’m performing as a misician), and tend to stay away from interacting with others. It takes an effort for me to do things that others do naturally. I’m a crap conversationist but I love to write. So I have found a road to expression in this blog and the book I have written.

People have told me there is a good chance that the triplets may find themselves on the autistic spectrum because I am. And I do think about it from time to time. Perhaps they will be – or maybe they won’t. Even so, there is nothing wrong in seeing the world from a different perspective than most. And if they are, at least I have the understanding now to support and guide them.

 

3 ridiculous comments I made as a new dad

Being new to newborns, and being green to the whole experience it was inevitable I was going to have some preconceived ideas as to how it was going to be. There we’re times I was even so naive to believe it was going to be an easy ride. I know – it’s hilarious isn’t it!

As a first timer, and looking back in retrospect and slight embarrassment at some of the ridiculous thoughts, and passing comments I made along the way. I thought I’d list a few of them, in no order of foolishness.

1.  All they do is sleep, this could be a lot easier than everyone has told me it would be.

This bonkers thinking was precipitated by my experience with preemies. As the babies were seven weeks premature, all they did was sleep, wake up for a feed then go back to sleep. I remember sharing this experience of my perfect sleeping triplets to the other dad’s at work with an almost smugness, after they had all told me I would be most likely be riding into the gates of parental hell with three babies to deal with. And once they hit their due date and their hormone’s kicked in I had no smugness. Just the realisation my fantasy of three perfect sleeping babies was now smashed into a million pieces. I was wrong. horribly wrong.

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Hi Daddy, we’re here!

Now, I’m not a superstitious man. I don’t believe I have the universal powers to change events in the world by opening my mouth and uttering a few words. But I do believe a stupid comment can quite happily boomerang to bite me on the arse. As it has done many times in my life. Here’s one example.

2. Teething isn’t that bad.

And to begin with it wasn’t. We had a few grizzlies and sore bums but all in all I really didn’t know what all the fuss was about. And then came…….The molars. And with the molars came the ear infections, the viruses and the edge if sanity for my wife and me. It was horrendous. There may be exceptions to the rule, babies who sail through the process. But for us, dealing with the triplets while those bad boys pushed through wasn’t easy. Once agin I had allowed myself to get complacent along with my expectations. Teething sucks!

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A quick trip to the doctors with nasty ear infections only confirmed that teething sucks

3. They’re sleeping really well at the moment

What was I thinking! Another comment thrown out in the earlier months to anyone who happened to ask if we got any sleep. Again I don’t believe I can change the course of worldly events with my comments. Yet every time I dropped that comment, we could pretty much guarantee that the babies would then go through some sort of hormonal brain leap that would totally unsettle them and hurl us once again into sleep deprivation, onset insanity and involuntary eye twitching. Lesson learned. Just say nothing.

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It’s on!

I have learned over time as a newby not to have expectations. And not to get complacent when things are running smoothly. Being a parent is about rolling with the punches and going with the flow. Things can change in an instant. The best I can do is be prepared for anything. And not to think I have any real idea as what my babies may do next.

 

The meditation

As a parent stress is inevitable. Demanding routines can seem relentless as we all face the pressures of daily life. It can be all to easy to become consumed by the agitation and anxieties that crop up throughout the day. And when those negative emotions start affecting those closest to us all sorts of problems arise.

As a someone who has overcome serious mental health problems and alcoholism, it is crucial that I remain emotionally consistent for my family. I do that by way of a unique Non contemplative meditation I found a good few years ago. This doesn’t mean I’m a perfect human being, I’m definitely not a parenting Guru. But I am improving. And life is about moving forward. I want to be the best man I can be for my children.

Now this isn’t a sales pitch. Nor I am telling you that this meditation is for you right now. It may not be. Only you will know if you are at a time in your life where you are open-minded to facing the pressures of life in a way you may never have done before. From a place of conscious awareness.

If you are up against the stresses of balancing work and home-life, or if you are a stay at home parent you will know what it is to feel overwhelmed occasionally by your situation. There’s no escaping the temptation to resent the cards we’ve been dealt with, only to suffer the emotional pull of guilt for feeling that way about the people we love. Parenting is an emotional rollercoaster. One that should strengthen us – rather than beat us down. The key to meeting stress lies in a very special meditation exercise.

Coming from a broken, unstable home, I know full well the effects growing up in a stressed environment can have on a child. It is why I feel it is so important to share this free meditation exercise with you. The link is below.

I am not a buddhist, nor do I associate to any religious organisations. I have no guru and I am not part of any cult groups. I do however have a faith, which was acquired through my own personal experience. I am simply a working man who has discovered a way to live consciously in the stream of life, free from emotional conflicts and free to be of use to those who rely on me the most.

By discovering the present moment and living consciously, I have also found a way to raise my family with the principles of love, patience and tolerance so my children can thrive in a relatively stress free environment.

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/

#MyAnxietyMeans

Flicking through social media today I have read many tragic posts from people suffering from anxiety with the hashtag #MyAnxietyMeans. I write the following as someone who suffered for decades with no real clue as to why I felt the way I did under the surface. And why nothing I was offered as treatment brought any real permanent relief.

To read the experiences of people who have spent years needlessly on medications sharing their experiences of fighting what they believe to be an illness is heartbreaking. Their fight is driven by misinformation and a misunderstanding of a symptom that most professionals are at a loss as to how to treat it. The only real offer of help comes by way of anxiety management therapies, distractions and medications. The first problem is that it is treated as an illness. And it isn’t. It is a symptom.

To solve any problem, you need to understand whats causing it. And until you get to the cause all you have are symptoms. To treat anxiety without resolving the cause is like having a rotten tooth. Yet ignoring the tooth and focusing all energies and time on managing the pain the tooth causes.

Anxiety is a symptom of an internal conflict. Somewhere along life’s journey resentment/fear has pierced you. It happened during an event that caused you to react in anger. That event may be big or small, but either way it caused you to emotionally react, and when you did you allowed a negative force to pierce you. That negative force is resentment. And it is the cause of all the discomfort within you don’t understand. It is the cause of all the negative thinking you experience and the depression that cloaks you. It is the cause of anxiety and being spiritual in nature is why talking cures, therapies, medications only serve to suppress and distract from the underlying resenment and fear you experience and cannot understand.

There are forces of light and darkness in this world, and we are spiritual being’s who are naturally affected by these forces. If you suffer from mental health problems and the angry negative thinking that controls you and causes you to suffer, you will already be aware of this. You are not mad to have questioned your conflicts as being more than anything anyone else would understand.

To recover from anxiety and begin to experience freedom from fear and negative thoughts, all you need is to be freed from resentment/fear. To allow a supernatural force of light to remove it.

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Simply notice the lights

This is a link to a unique meditation that will allow that to happen. It’s completely free with no hooks into religion, books to buy or guru’s to follow. And if you are willing to be still, and allow light to remove the darkness in you. To awaken to the state of awareness of yourself and the world around you that you were born with, long before the world corrupted your spirit. Your problem will be solved. In-fact, all of your mental health problems will fall away without any effort on your part.

I have read more than once that there is no magic wand that can undo years worth of suffering.

I’m telling you that there is.

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/

The reconnection of a relationship after babies

If you are a parent with newborns, or young children you will be aware that things can emotionally change between yourself and your partner. Those changes most likely began with the pregnancy. You may also be wondering if your relationship will ever be the same?

My wife and I didn’t sail into the pregnancy in a good place together. We had dealt with the stress of moving house a month before we discovered we had triplets. And we were also dealing with a couple of years filled with disappointment in failing to conceive. We did have the occasional spark of hope, which sadly turned out to be false positive tests. There was a building tension in our marriage that was reaching breaking point. Then BOOM! We were thrown into a high risk pregnancy and there was no going back.

From the first scan it was like we veered off in different directions emotionally. My wife consumed and struggling with the fears and risks involved with our situation. And me doing my best to remain conscious and keep my family calm and together. There was a disconnect between us throughout the whole pregnancy. We may have been under the same roof, but we weren’t together.

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The next time we would reconnect was in the NICU with the safe arrival ou our trio. We finally landed on the same page. Brought together by the love, relief and joy at the safe arrival of Ava, Blakely and Lacey.

As we brought them home my wife, and rightly so, became completely focused on the babies’. As I had stayed solid through the pregnancy, we now switched roles. As Stacey found her instincts as a mother, I began to sink into depression under the pressure of home life, work and sleep deprivation. My wife  was too focused on her job to hear my problems as I struggled with my sanity. I once again felt as far apart from my wife as we were during the pregnancy.

I became consumed with the fear that before she fell pregnant we were a couple unhappy. And that maybe we would never reconnect as the couple who were once in love. I felt on the outside looking in on our home life, even though I was completely involved as a father. tiredness can do horrible things to a mind. I became paranoid that our relationship was done. That It was now her and the babies. That I was no longer an interest in her life. self-pity was creeping in. And it wasn’t who I wanted to be, man consumed with myself and my doubts. I would be no use as a father in that place.

Looking back It took one thing for us to reconnect as a couple. Patience. My wife had been through the mill with the pregnancy and was finding her place as a mother to three babies. As I was finding my role. Which was just to support her and be patient. To not make my fears and anxieties an extra weight to put on her.  All I needed to do was to be of use, to my wife and stay involved with my daughters.

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It was only when I began to step back from pressuring her, and let go of my fears and doubts about our relationship that we begin to find each other again. We needed each other more than ever. And She needed all the space and support I could give her. Of course things have changed. But those massive changes have only bonded us closer as a family finding our way in a surreal situation.

My job a s husband has always been to support my wife. My job as a father in the beginning was no different. Be patient and you will almost certainly meet again. And discover the love you once had will have gone no-where,