Navigating my way through fatherhood & sharing the inevitable pressures and joys along the way
Author: Triplet Dad
I'm a husband & father to triplets plus one. Documenting my experience, of doing my best to consciously raise a family with the principles of love, patience and tolerance.
My Book 'From triples to triplets' is available on Amazon. It is my personal journey into fatherhood from a life of self-destruction.
Firstly I hope you all had a good Easter weekend. Ours was fun and we even managed to get out of the house on Easter Sunday.
The girls are growing up fast. I mean the time is flying by. It seems only a short time ago they were in nappies and Stacey was breastfeeding. Now they are almost 4 and will be starting school full time in September.
Our house has become ever more hectic as the girls have grown and have endless energy. Between them and the teenager our stress levels are tested to the max. Some days it’s a real struggle. Other days it’s just hard work but Stacey and I work together to stay on top of thing’s.
Stacey and I both love the run down to the end of the day and when bath time comes around. We often high 5 out of relief that the day with them is done. Don’t get me wrong we have a lot of fun with them (but also we really can’t wait for them to start school full time).
Last week Stacey, Frankie and two of the girls went shopping. Lacey wanted to stay home with me. I had the opportunity to experience what it was like to just have 1 toddler. It was a breeze. I could give her my full attention and we had a lovely quiet couple of hours. The chaos was instant as soon as everyone arrived back at the house.
This post may sound like a bit of a grumble but it’s just where we are right now. Dealing with irrational, tantrum throwing and hormonal triplets and teenager. I’m told this all gets easier when the kids hit 45. So at least we have something to look forward to.
I am now writing and volunteering for the Central Pain Syndrome Foundation. I am honored to be a part of the team leading this non profit charity who’s main objective is to raise awareness of CPS and to work towards a cure.
I will still post about my experience with CPS here now and then. But my aim is to now keep my blog more focused on Fatherhood and of course – Meditation.
Thank-you for putting up my ramblings about living with chronic pain over the last few years. And I thank each of you for following my blog 😉
Here is my first blog post for the CPSF. I will be writing a post weekly to be published each Friday.
How many of us can say that we really live in the moment? With such busy lives it seems such an elusive concept.
Even when relaxing our minds don’t seem to quiet down. A bombardment of thoughts steal away the here and now, leaving us in the past or worrying about the future.
We live in stressful times. Pandemics, work concerns, financial and family problems keep us lost in overthinking and for the most – negativity. We find ways to distract ourselves with thing’s like exersise, music, books and Netflix. But these brief moments of escape don’t solve the worry problem. Even of the hundreds of meditation exercises on you tube, most are mere distraction techniques, pulling us away further from the moment.
So why is it so Important to live in the moment? Surely it’s more beneficial to deal with life as it unfolds. A life of stress, driven by overthinking will only lead to poor health and eventually more serious physical ailments and heart conditions. Negative emotions drain us of energy and life.
The moment is not so difficult to find. First it takes a commitment to stillness, meditating without contemplation. Simply stepping back observing the thought’s and chatter of the mind that would usually drag us in. By doing this we are cutting ties with the emotions that tempt us to react.
Once we have meditated this way for a short time it becomes easier to stay in an awakened state, free from the negative ties to emotion. Worry and fear fall away without effort, anxiety no longer plagues us because we are not getting caught up in the whirlpool of overthinking as we once did.
Living in the present moment also brings a protection. When we meditate this special way we begin to live with grace, becoming less and less affected by other’s emotional responses. We find a real clarity as a natural God given intuition replaces the ever doubtful thinking of the ego. We become placed in a position of neutrality to the world. Safe, protected and free to deal with life consciously.
The moment is a truly miraculous place. One, that once experienced opens the door to a new plane of existence. We become connected and present in the world in real time, free from the bondage of the ego and it’s negative existence. We become inspired and brought back to life. Awake, aware and ready for anything that life throws at us.
Most of us have suffered with lockdown. For us the hardest thing was being stuck in with the triplets. With everything apart from the supermarket being open and unable to travel it made it a hard winter.
But with daylight savings and the first bit of warm weather the girls can finally get out to play in the garden. It may only be a little thing but it has made a huge difference to the girls, and to us. It’s brought a break from the monotonous routine of being stuck in the house.
It looks set that we are to have run of decent weather. It means we can enjoy local walks and make the most of the little garden we have. Lockdown bought a certain fatigue about it. It’s been especially hard on the girls over winter.
Thankfully they have been going to school 3 morning’s a week which has given Stacey a much needed break. But it has still been tough being unable to travel anywhere to enjoy their day’s off. Going to the supermarket shopping has been the only real outing for them.
We are praying that with restrictions lifting that this summer will resemble a bit of the normality and freedom we are used to. We want to take the girls for trips out to the beach, and just make the most of the better weather. There is so much we want to do with them now they are at an age that they enjoy a day trip out.
So let’s hope the ease on restrictions doesn’t create any further lockdowns going forward. Let’s hope this will be a summer of making memories after such a bizarre year.
Living along side CPS takes skills and strategies. Sometimes distraction as a temporary tool can be helpful in a flare up. Sometimes tweaking meds help; we all have different ways to deal with the pain.
I would say the first few of years with CPS has been the hardest. I have lost work, my mind at times and have grieved for the man I was before chronic pain became a part of my life. The forced changes have driven me to deppresion and anxiety about the future. But on the plus side I have emerged out of the darkness stronger and wiser.
We all need tools in our box to deal with the mental pressure. I have avoided medications to treat my moods and anxiety. Personally I do not find them useful in the long run. They only mask the problem which can be narrowed down to one simple cause – resentment.
For me I need to consciously deal with my mental state. My wellbeing rests on my ability to face stress and negative thinking without being affected. I have enough to deal with having chronic nerve pain, so how I mentally live beside the monster matters. To myself and my family.
Not everyone is open to meditation and real meditation can be difficult. It isn’t always easy to become still and observe thoughts. As we do we become acutely aware of just how negative our thinking can be. It’s usually at this point the practitioner bails on it. But for those who are willing to sit still through a little discomfort and stick at it; they discover the keys to the kingdom.
Meditation pulled me out of deppresion. As I separated from the negativity and fear I was harbouring I Began to see with clarity the real problem with CPS. The frustration and anger at my condition was dragging me into an emotional whirlpool of overthinking and overreacting to the pain, the stress of which was turning up the volume of my suffering.
The more negative I became the higher my pain levels went. The key to living with the monster was to stay mentally sharp. To become an observer rather than getting into futile struggles with my situation.
I can’t do much about my pain – but I can do something about my attitude towards it.
Non contemplative meditation is one way to overcome overthinking and negativity. By separating from thoughts and becoming an observer of what passes through the mind, we are less inclined to get dragged into that negativity. In a place of conscious awareness we have a protection against it. There is a real freedom that comes with this very special state of consciousness. It is a place where the pain turns down and we can find a new way to manage it.
If you are in a constant battle with your mind and your pain and need the roundabout to stop. Try this free meditation exersise. If you are willing to commit to it you will be in better position to mentally manage the monster, because between the monster and meditation – meditation wins, every time.
Sleep deprivation is a tool for torture. The victim is kept awake in various ways until their minds snap.
Welcome to early parenting.
Looking back at the first six months is a blur. If it wasn’t for writing the book I would have little recollection of the pressure I was under to take care of our newborn’s and hold a job down. It was a tough deal.
The one blessing was that we had healthy babies but that didn’t make our situation any less difficult. There were countless mornings I drove to work with my head stuck out of the window so as to stay awake. How I didn’t have an accident is a miracle.
At work I could literally fall asleep stood up if I stopped to rest. I worked a physical job that kept me busy, I still began to make small mistakes on the job though out of sheer tiredness. Thankfully I have an understanding boss who was aware and supportive of my situation. I worked every day because I needed to earn. I had two weeks off when the babies were born, I couldn’t afford any more time off.
There were day’s I drove home from work and just sat in the car outside of my house feeling crushed. Knowing that when I walked through the door it was my time to deal with the triplets. My wife some night’s was just sat at the bottom of the stairs in exhaustion waiting for me to walk through the door. I felt I was on a roundabout that showed no signs of slowing down.
There were two thoughts that kept me afloat during those early day’s of parenting.
1. These girls are a gift
2. I cannot let them down
I hit a period of deppresion driven by frustration. I couldn’t meditate most of the time because every time I closed my eyes I fell asleep. So I was out of consciousness and overwhelmed by negative thinking. Thoughts of self pity and resentment became prominent in my mind. There was also fear that my marriage was on the rock’s because of my deteriorating mental state.
But it wasn’t all bad. There were times I cherished. Like when they were awake and not crying. I would play them my favourite music as way for me to mentally and emotionally bond with them. I loved bath time because they loved the water and would smile and giggle. These were little islands in the day that I would pull myself back up on. Bonding was so important to my mental state.
If you are in the trenches of early fatherhood and are struggling my advise would be to keep trudging. Practice patience with yourself and know that your situation now isn’t permanent. Before you know it they will drop the night feed and you will sleep again. The insanity you feel in your mind will subside with rest.
No one function’s properly with sleep deprivation. You may have to stay in that zombified state a little longer but you’ll survive because you have to. Your partner and children need you strong and emotionally stable. Any way you get through it is good, sleep when you can and don’t resent your situation. It’s something we dads all experience and it’s a tough deal, but the rewards are endless.
And just remember, apparently this gig gets a lot easier when the kids hit 45 years old.
I read an article this week suggesting that it’s healthy for a couple to argue. That releasing negative emotions on each other is some how beneficial to a relationship and one’s self. Sounds to me like an excuse for those with no other way to communicate their issues.
So I’d like to call BS on that. Nothing is more destructive than anger. Whether it’s petty annoyances that are griping on you or bigger resentments that keep cropping up, to shout and ball at each other is no way to deal with het up anger. It may feel good to unleash judgement on your partner but it doesn’t really solve anything. Anger continues to bubble under the surface.
Children especially need to grow up in an environment that is free from stress and external pressures. A child learns from their environment, so to grow up believing that shouting and arguing is normal and healthy is damaging. Sure, we all get short fused at times raising kids, there are times that anger gets passed us. But to have anger and judgement as a normal way to alleviate stress is just insane.
Anger is anything but a normal healthy emotion. It is a destructive force that only creates chaos and more problems within a family unit. Jealousy, bitterness, fear even the small annoyances are all forms of anger/resentment. The destructive emotional responses wound out of negative thoughts do nothing to benefit an individual who is in a stressful situation.
There is a better way to live and to grow emotionally. But it takes a leap of faith into the unknown by way of non contemplative meditation. To parent and raise a family consciously takes a commitment to do so. This meditation is a way to step back from anger as it rises, no matter who pisses you off or how justified you feel to respond.
Meditation for years has given men and women a new way to cope with stress and deal with life. This exercise in particular is a game changer when it comes to overcoming resentment and fear. Even the emotional damage of past traumas dissolve in the present moment, Simply by being consciously aware of ourselves. It creates a protection. Once the body is full of light, darkness is driven out. Be aware that it is a spiritual solution so keep an open mind going into it.
I will leave the link here to the free exercise. If you feel like you are at a point where you know you need to change the way you deal with your emotions, but are unsure how. This exersise will be just what you are looking for.
Replace anger with the principles of love and tolerance and your family relationships will never be the same. Talking through problems becomes natural, no shouting required.
I’ve been on a good run of low pain day’s up until a couple of weeks ago when I shaved my head and triggered my neuralgia pain. Neuralgia is also known as the ‘suicide disease’. It’s intense pain and just another symptom of my central pain syndrome.
Over the last few year’s I have tried everything from hot and cold compresses to cutting my head to see if it would release some of the pain. Not a smart move but it gives you an idea of the seriousness of the flare ups.
It’s taken me this long to finally accept that there is nothing I can do about my neuropathic pain. Other than adjust my medications I have to live day to day with varying degrees of facial and head pain.
It’s not an ideal situation because I have also deal with work and home-life. I’ve chosen to suffer in silence because I have no choice but to get on with life. My wife doesn’t need to know I’m in pain every 10 minutes so I’ve learned to hide it well. Complaining doesn’t help either of us.
The main problem I’ve experienced in the past is that I got angry at my situation. Frustration at my health condition has just caused me further stress. It’s so easy to fall into self pity. ‘Why me’ is a prominent thought I need to just observe and not get pulled in to. I suffered a period of deep deppresion last year and it’s a dark place I don’t want to go back to. Especially with my history of serious mental illness.
I have found the most simple way to cope with my health problems is to manage my mental health, first and foremost. Overthinking is a real problem as you could probably imagine. Getting lost in negative thoughts is easily done. So as a defence against intrusive thinking and the bombardment of negativity my mind is subject to I practice a simple meditation.
Every morning on awakening I sit still and meditate for around 15 minutes. By doing this I am pulling back from the stream of thought, separating from it so I can just observe what passes through my mind. In a place of conscious awareness, good and bad thoughts loose their power to pull me in. Leaving me in a place of neutrality, safe and protected from them.
When I am conscious this way I am less inclined to react to any stressful events that may happen throughout the day. I am not burning up energy as I would have done in overthinking. There is a real freedom from negativity that comes from the stillness of non contemplative meditation.
I know, I plug this meditation a lot. But for good reason. Everyone has the ability to overcome overthinking and recover from deppresion and anxiety through this simple, free exersise.
Being a dad is a varied job. From refereeing the kids to being the family mediator there is a lot involved behind the scenes. Sometimes we may feel overlooked in our roles but one thing is for sure. Our strength is needed.
Most of us feel the pressure from time to time between work and home-life. But most of us do what needs to be done without complaint. Supporting our wives and partners so that they are less stressed in dealing with the dynamics under our roofs.
I went into fatherhood with a conscious mindset. I knew it was going to be my job to remain emotionally neutral. In that I mean I knew it was down to me to bring a sense of stability to my home. During the pregnancy my wife went through the emotional wringer as her hormones raged. I had to keep my cool.
And nothing has changed. It is still my job to bring stability to a highly stressful home-life. I don’t experience the same emotional storms as my wife. Men and women are different in that sense so it falls on me to be consistent in myself. I wouldn’t be much use if was in and out of anxiety and resentment everyday.
As men we have to be the rock. To raise our families with patience love and discipline. We can not afford to resent the cards we’ve been dealt. I speak to many men who struggle in this respect. Their emotions get the best of them under the pressure of fatherhood.
It’s usually a relentless routine that drags men under. The change in lifestyle can be drastic in itself. But if met with a conscious mindset becoming a father becomes the job we were put on this earth for.
If you are feeling the pressure and are open to experiencing life consciously, i will leave the link to a free meditation exersise that has helped me be the dad my family needs.
Stress and pressure are forces i meet daily being a dad. They are inescapable, from dealing with chronic pain to dealing with the many daily tantrums.
All this pressure has a detrimental effect – if I let it get to me.
Over the last few years there has been the constant temptation to resent my situation. Being thrown into fatherhood with triplets has not been a smooth ride. It has been a life altering event.
In the early day’s I got overwhelmed with our situation. Suffering from sleep deprivation whilst trying to hold down a job was an intense effort. One that I gratefully survived by the skin of my teeth. I almost cracked under the pressure of new fatherhood on more than one occasion.
Once resentment gets in it changes my ability to cope. Instead of practicing patience and tolerance I get lost in overthinking and judgment of everyone and everything around me. Irritable and short tempered is an ugly state to be in. Especially with a young family to support, and who are relying on me to be emotionally strong.
There has been one constant in my life. One that I have practiced since getting sober 8 years ago. Meditation has always pulled me back from the brink of madness. From developing central pain syndrome to becoming a fathers to triplets I have always been dedicated to living consciously. To improve as a husband and father.
I haven’t always faired well and have suffered from resenting the path I have been given at times. There are still times that I get overwhelmed with my lot. But these minor back steps into fear and resentment never last. As I have already said – it is meditation that has always been at the centre of my life that has kept me afloat and out of anger.
If you are a dad who is struggling i will leave the link to the free meditation exersise. If you can stick at it your life will change beyond measure. Life doesn’t need to be a struggle. And stress can ultimately become a force we can sharpen from. If we reconnect to the light – anxiety and deppresion no longer run our lives. It’s that simple.