From self destruction to parenthood – is emotional stability really possible?

Not everybody is raised with the tools for parenting. Even those brimming with self-confidence at the idea of becoming a mum or dad can be smacked in the face once the harsh realities of the emotional strain and tiredness literally hit home. The pressures can be overwhelming to the most instinctive new parent.

Some going into parenthood are raised in loving home’s, already aware of what contributes to a child’s wellbeing. But what about those who weren’t?

Many become parent’s ill-equipped to deal with the pressures involved. Men and women already suffering from mental health problems and destructive obsessive behaviours from damaged upbringings entrusted with children, planned or not face the challenge of a lifetime in raising families who can’t escape the stressful environment they are born into.

Without a new way to face the pressures involved, rather than escaping to damaging distractions, parents fail their children and the cycle goes on.

Coming from a broken home myself I grew up full of resentment and anger towards the idea of a loving family life. It was a life I never imagined I would be able to cope with. I was too damaged to hold onto a healthy relationship and too self-centred to care about anyone other than myself.

It was only when I got sober I began to understand the gravity and effect on my life from the absence of any fatherly direction and guidance in my life. The importance of two stable influences in the life of a child cannot be stressed enough.

I also believe that any family can stay the distance, however damaged an individual beginning the journey of parenting may be. But it takes a willingness and dedication to change. Love needs to become a central force of the home.

If I was to ever change the path for myself and those who would come to rely on me I had to let go of the grip of my past. The spirit of anger I harboured had to be replaced by one of patience and love.

To become a loving parent I had to forgive, to give up anger. I could no longer carry the resentment and fear that culminated from years of frustration and bitterness at the damage of a past badly lived. It was that simple. If I didn’t let go it would drag into my family life and eventually destroy everything worthwhile.

Even the most dishonest drug addict, the most self driven anger fuelled alcoholic has the ability to become the person a child vitally needs in a parent. All it takes is a willingness to let go of the past, outgrow fear and become conscious of the responsibility in front of them.

The solution to any problem is to stop struggling with it. I had a world of fears going into fatherhood. Fears from abuse, fears of a past of chronic mental health problems and alcoholism that if I allowed to control me would have stopped me from being the husband and father I needed to be. I needed to face life, and my past consciously.

By not struggling I’m referring to the internal daily battle we engage in with negative thinking and the emotions that weave their way into our lives through simply becoming lost in thoughts.

If you have a head that doesn’t shut off and leave you alone. The answer to freedom from it is to separate from all thoughts as they arise to pull you from the present moment. To become an observer of that which passes through the mind. The good and bad without being affected by it.

Do this and all internal problems, fears and anxieties lose their grip. It happens Instantly as we begin to live consciously in the present moment. Free from the attachment to the over thinking mind. In the present we find freedom from all mental health issues. Obsessive thinking and behaviours fall away, replaced by a natural intuition and discernment to deal with life without struggling.

By living in this conscious state, brought about by a very special free non-contemplative meditation exercise, we have everything we need to overcome fears and un-manageability. We find a new way to exist that can never fail to affect our children in a positive way. No matter how far we’ve fallen in the past, or how much we are fighting with presently.

https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/

Life doesn’t need to be a struggle ever again.

Changes

From the content of my last few blog posts you’ll be aware that the triplets are going through a trying stage of development. The terrible two’s have nothing on the irrational, bossy and naughty threes.

Plus we now have a teenager in the house so we are getting used to having a new daughter. One that is going through her own emotional upheavals as we try hard to keep up with her. It’s not easy.

I can only imagine that if we had one toddler to deal with the stress levels would be greatly reduced. All I know is that with three the chaos and pressure is amplified. But we are doing our best to stay on top of discipline and patience with them. After all it is only a phase. I hope.

They are full on which is all the more reason to remain conscious and aware of our own agitations and annoyance. As difficult as they can be they are still learning from us. From our reactions and behaviours. Non contemplative meditation how we remain awake to the stresses of daily life.

Stacey and I do well at keeping calm and giving each other breaks from them. They are realising more and more that bad behaviour towards each other and us is not tolerated. They are always made to apologise and hug it out when they do misbehave. Believe me, the naughty corner gets plenty of use in a day.

They are at a critical age where learning right from wrong is vital if they are to develop in a way that kindness is infinitely more important than fighting to get their own way. Love and the ability to tolerate each other is what will stand them in good stead as they grow up.

I learned from my own experience that living with an honest loving spirit is the only way to approach life. I want to raise my daughters with the same principles. And I hope I can instill some of what I have learned into them in their formative years.

Let go

We all have the ability to forgive. To be free from anger. It doesn’t mean we have to approve of the events that created the emotional damage, it simply means the resentments no longer control us.

Letting go of anger is vital if we are to progress in this lifetime. And it’s not just the big resentments that we need to be free from, it’s also the smaller irritations that we need to be able to overcome on a daily basis. In that sense it’s not just the tigers that will get us, it’s also the bunnies that can take us out.

All negative reactions affect our ability to discern. They cloud our judgement which in turn affect the way we act and treat others; and ourselves. We have all experienced being pissed off about past events that we couldn’t control. Overthinking removes us from the present moment. Even getting angry about future events that may or may not happen can cause us to react with negativity. Fear is just as destructive.

I lived for a long time as an active alcoholic. I know full well the effects that hanging on to resentment cause. There are also negative physical affects from being unwilling to forgive others, justified or otherwise. We cannot live to our full potential when driven by anger.

So how do you let go?

If you could go all day without reacting to the small and big irritations, to be able to stay unaffected by the racing mind. Imagine how different your life would become.

No longer lost in overthinking you would live consciously in the present moment. The only place you ever need to be. If you were able to meet stress and the negativity in others with grace your life would change drastically. You would experience true freedom.

Meditation is a way to start practicing conscious awareness. By learning to observe what passes through the mind without getting dragged into negative thoughts and emotions. This exercise is for anyone with a stressful life. Or those suffering from anger and internal conflicts.

This is a life changing exercise and if practiced daily will free you from the negativity within. As the saying goes ‘light will overcome darkness’. It’s not just a metaphor, it is possible with this free meditation exercise.

There is link at the bottom of this blog post below. I share this a lot, and for good reason. Be still and let go of resentment. It’s that simple. There is no effort involved.

Make a change now and discover real freedo. No matter what your situation.

https://tripletdad.blog/2019/01/19/the-meditation-2/

My crazy little family

It’s 12.30am on a Monday morning and I can’t sleep. I’ve been having nightmares lately that were terrifying when I was a kid. Now I just need a cup of tea and a distraction so this is as good a time as any to write a blog post.

Lockdown has brought challenges to us all. The biggest problem we’ve had to deal with has been keeping them entertained, and in the times we have had to self isolate its been keeping them in that has caused the most drama. They are 3 and half and get bored easily. Little skirmishes to all out violence break out constantly unless we have something for them to do.

A princess picnic

Over the last 3 and a half years I have thankfully grown in patience, as has Stacey. It becomes a side effect of dealing with such a highly pressured situation. I no longer get overwhelmed by them which is an improvement on the early days of fatherhood when I was lost in sleep deprivation and trying to stay sane.

My friend, the Godfather to our triplets was out and about the other day and observed a couple with young triplets trying to get them into the car and get the buggys packed down in the wind and the rain. He said from watching them struggle he realised the stresses that must be involved just in getting out of the house. Trust me, everything is a planned operation.

He mentioned how stressed out the couple were and I felt for them. Stacey and I have gotten past the point of getting wound up with the girls. It’s not like they are intentionally trying to ruin our day’s with tantrums and fights, they are just finding their place with each other. I mean they can’t all be the boss!

I mention meditation a lot on my blog, and for good reason. I put my ability to keep my cool down it’s daily practice. Nothing has contributed more to the changes in me that have happened over the years. I just want to pass it on so other parents can experience a new way to deal with the stress of parenthood. It really is a life changing exercise. The link is over on the menu section of my blog.

Frankie, all grown up now

As we head into winter and in the middle of another lockdown it’s hard to guess what Is ahead. I’m grateful to have returned to work lately, a bit more stability and structure is always a good thing. As for the triplets we will continue to do our best to entertain them whatever happens.

And through it all I am proud of my crazy family. We are staying afloat through a tough year. And whatever else comes our way we will deal with it. With a little patience, tolerance and above all – love.

Free lockdown gig

Hi all! I hope you are all well and safe in these strange times.

If you follow this blog you may remember that I did a series of gigs during the last lockdown.

Keeping music live

I have decided to play another one off gig this Friday 13th November from 8PM (UK time). Just to break up the monotony of being in another lockdown. I will be playing popular rock covers from Johnny cash to the stereophonics. Thin lizzy to Wilson Picket.

I miss playing with the band so I am really excited to be picking up the mic again and performing from my living room to yours. It’s been a rough year for us musicians so any live music is a bonus.

To join in with the gig simply click on this link to my fb page and like it. Then just tune in on Friday night.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/510598143013778/?ref=share

I look forward to playing for you again.

See you on Friday 😉

A fathers love

Dysfunction breeds dysfunction, and I strongly believe that for a child to grow in confidence and kindness a man needs to be a stable presence in the home.

A man who is distracted by negativity will only bring those negative emotions into his daily life. I know from my own experience the damage a father can cause to a family unit when he is lost in himself and his problems. And by problems I’m referring to emotional issues.

Childern especially pick up on negativity. It stresses them and creates fear. Barriers that come between a child and dad can be incredibly difficult to dismantle as time goes by. The outcome is strained relationships within a family.

There is a solution. The stresses of daily life, or even the stresses of past events that still plague a man can be overcome. A fathers love can change everything under his roof if he is willing to change for the better.

The answer to negative thinking and over emotional responses to life comes in the ability to observe one’s own mind. To watch without being affected by the thoughts and emotions that arise to distract from the present moment; the only place a man needs to be.

Through this simple meditation exercise, becoming conscious and free from the overthinking is possible. Men who have adopted non contemplative meditation have experienced massive upheavals and personal changes in the way they face the pressures of daily life.

Free from anger and fear you are left with intuition. A natural guiding system that is only available in the present moment. When practicing conscious awareness, outgoing love becomes the normal state. Patience and tolerance become a side effect of giving up the struggle with self. Overcoming personal problems comes easily and stress becomes a force that we sharpen from, instead of it grinding us down.

Be still. It can be practiced anytime, anywhere

If you have already used this non religious meditation you will be aware of how powerful it is. You will already be experiencing life in the 4th dimension. It really is a life changing exercise. Freedom from deppresion and anxiety are also possible by using this simple, free practice.

Practicing patience with your family changes everything. To be able to keep your head in the most stressful of events is to bring stability to any given situation.

I will leave the link here for anyone who is struggling with negative thoughts and emotions. If life is weighing on you I hope you can give a little free time to use this exercise and experience its power.

A father’s love is crucial to the wellbeing of his tribe. Don’t waist a second more in your struggles. The meditation will give you a new way to face the pressures of daily life.

https://tripletdad.blog/2019/01/19/the-meditation-2/

Beating the stress of lockdown

It was inevitable that we in the UK would end up in another lockdown. And with it comes more uncertainty and more stress.

No one likes forced changes to their lives. Many are left worrying for jobs and finances, and with it the mental pressures build to cause more problems affecting our health and wellbeing.

Dealing with the emotional strain is vital if we are to maintain stability under our roofs. Pressures that affect us in turn affect everyone in the family.

Children especially pick up on stress

Thankfully this time we don’t have to deal with our children being off school. But that too could change over the next few weeks. We are a country in the middle of a lot of uncertainty.

I will add a link to a free meditation exercise at the bottom of this post. It is a way to be able to seperate from negative thinking and emotions. If we can face stress consciously without being affected we are on top of half the battle.

Overthinking is a problem for many of us. It’s not easy to deal with home life while lost in negative thinking and fear. Meditation cannot change the situation, but it can change the way we face each day. Free from frustration and fear.

If you are finding yourself struggling with daily life in the bizzare times we are living in you may find this meditation to be just what you need. There is no religious affiliation, no guru to follow and nothing to buy. It’s completely free.

I hope you are all well and safe and if you are willing to give this meditation a chance, I know you will benefit from it.

https://tripletdad.blog/2019/01/19/the-meditation-2/

Are all toddlers really A$#holes?

During the pregnancy I googled a mass of books looking for information on fatherhood and what lay ahead. I once came across a book titled ‘Toddlers are assholes: it’s not your fault’.

I was a few years away from the toddler stage at that point and still inexperienced and wet behind the ears when it came to parenthood.

When I first came across that title I was a little horrified. Surely calling your toddler an asshole is a little rough. After all, children are gifts we are entrusted with and are we not responsible for their growth and learned behaviours growing up.

I looked upon that book with judgement, especially the author who surely must have done something wrong along the way to cause their toddlers to get pinned with such an offensive description.

Little angels?

Now being in the terrible threes I I again came across that book while browsing relevant parenting titles and it got me thinking once again.

Our triplets have their moments of love and kindness. They hug, kiss and play together without argument, just not very often. But for the most of it they argue, fight and taunt each other into violent retaliation.

Me and the gang

They certainly haven’t learned this physical behaviour from us. Nor have they picked up from us how to annoy each other and scream and shout to the point of hysteria. They just do it.

Maybe I was a little to much in judgement when I first came across that book. There was no way toddlers could be this irrational, physical or angry? But now I in the middle of separating punch ups and hair pulling I think I was too hasty to write that book and it’s author off. The girls test our patience constantly.

If you were to ask me now if all toddlers are assholes, my reply would be –

‘hmm, perhaps just a little bit.

Chronic pain and limbo

A CPS post.

It’s been two and a half years of living with chronic pain. There have been times I have had a handle on it and times it has got the better of me. But one thing is for sure, its going nowhere.

In that time I have learned that management is the key to surviving high levels of nerve pain. There has been little improvement in the pain levels. If anything it has evolved. Spreading to different areas of my body as new symptoms appear to test me.

I chased up a neurologist appointment this week and it seems my case was forgot about after my assessment in march. That’s 8 month’s wasted that I could have had my follow up appointment to discuss multiple sclerosis as a diagnosis. 8 month’s that I could have been getting the right help. My phone call has got the ball rolling and I’m back in the system. It’s a frustrating place of limbo to say the least.

I have been proactive this year in dealing with past trauma in the hope that lower stress levels get my pain levels down. It’s definitely been beneficial if not painful at times.

New symptoms concern me but I have no where to discuss them. With month’s between appointments I am left to deal with them the best I can. I have also recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Just another problem to understand and deal with.

Meditation is my first point of management. Pregabalin, baclofen and amatriptalyne are the meds I have settled on. They don’t take the pain away but they allow me to function and deal with every day life. Which is anything but normal with triplet toddlers.

I feel like I’m up against it, sometimes on a daily basis. With central pain syndrome it’s all about living along side the monster and not letting it take the wheel. Not always easy.

I apologise if this seems like a bit of a whinge. I have ups and downs on this journey and positivity comes and goes. Sometimes it’s just tough going and I’m tired of hurting.

Riot

Toddlers fight over the smallest things. They seem to be in a permanent battle at the moment, each taking it in turns to make the day as difficult as possible.

As much as we are on top of discipline they test us to the limits. It isn’t an easy phase they are going through. They play up regardless of consequences. It is times like this that having triplets is tough going. It can be mentally draining.

It would be easy to get caught up in the struggle with them by getting annoyed ourselves. Other than be consistent with the naughty corner we have to stay out of stress, as parents we need to bring a sense of calm to the mini riots that fire up throughout the day. Keeping a sense of humour is also crucial to staying sane ourselves.

I have personally found that getting annoyed only fans the flames when they are kicking off. It would be too easy to get pulled into a wilful struggle with them rather than staying out of anger myself and dealing with them from a place of consciousness.

Meditation keeps me out of the fight and able to deal with them without reacting to their irrational tantrums and screaming fits. Stacey and I both meditate which makes coping with this trying phase a little easier.

Being aware of irritation rising and being able to step back is a vital practice. Our patience with them is the difference between them calming down or adding fuel to the fire.

Thankfully they are at school three mornings a week. It gives us a decent, and much needed break from them.

Each new phase of their development brings it’s own set of challenges and the terrible threes isn’t an easy one to navigate.

So for now it’s working hard to keep the house calm. To teach them with loving discipline that fighting isn’t the way to deal with their frustrations.

Sometimes dealing with triplets is just hard. Really hard.