The trio are off to pre school

At the beginning of September our little energetic troop will be starting pre school.

We’ve chosen the little school that Frankie finished at this year as it’s already familiar to them, and to us. On their first day we will be staying with them for a couple of hours just while they settle in.

It’s going to be interesting to see how they interact with the other children in the group. From our experience of seeing them with other children, we already have an idea of how they will likely behave in that environment.

Ava is definitely the most interested in others. When we go to the soft play she is keen to speak to other children and say hello. Lacey takes an interest but is happy to just keenly whatch what other children are doing. Blakely takes no real notice of anyone and just likes to entertain herself. She is the same at home.

It’s also strange to think we have reached such a big milestone already. Its true what they say, time flies by so quickly. It only seemed yesterday we were bringing them home and starting this journey.

I think we’ve done well to reach this point still in tact as a family. I can’t stress enough how much work it has taken from my wife and I to raise them to be such calm and well behaved girls. And I think I’ve done well to have only aged 10 years in the 2 years they’ve been a part of this family.

It has been incredibly stressful, especially for me as a first time parent. But I’ve done the best I can with my understanding of the importance of love and patience within a family unit.

Frankie will also be starting high school next month. Another big milestone for all of us. It will be a time for her to not only grow in her learning and personal development, but also to navigate the new experiences and peer pressures that life at high school brings.

I don’t doubt she will thrive there. Her kind outgoing nature will hopefully remain a solid foundation for her as she begins her new experiences.

Autumn is a time of unavoidable change. As is our home. Thankfully it’s a happy one for all of us. No matter what life brings.

Surviving past trauma – A necessity to our own children’s wellbeing

Men and women going into parenthood with conflicts and traumas from childhood face an added set of problems, that unless unresolved will sadly only damage their own children. Not intentionally, but no-body can live with emotional damage without it directly affecting another.

No-one has the perfect upbringing free from stress and external pressures. At least not that I have ever met. We all have parent’s who were dealing with their own problems when we arrived. That’s why forgiveness is so important. We cannot blame and resent others for failing to deal with stress. Especially our parents.

It’s even more crucial to those parents who suffered deeper traumas such as sexual and physical abuse to become free from the fears, resentments and emotional conflicts that stay buried and stuffed down. Men seem to be less inclined to even be able to bring those problems to light, let alone be willing to ever discuss them with another. The shame, embarrassment and guilt can be too powerful to imagine ever handling.

It took me decades, until I became a parent myself that I finally reached out about my own abuse. I still find it difficult at times to sit with the memories that arise out of no-where and bring with them the dark feelings of isolation that I carried with me for so long. Only they now serve more as a reminder of my need to remain conscious of them. Rather than being dragged into them.

An openness to talk is a beginning. But as I discovered it is only a fraction of the path to freedom. For those still struggling with self destructive symptoms such as drug and alcohol abuse, who failed to find a real ongoing solution the key lies in the ability to deal with the rising emotions in real time, without becoming overwhelmed. To be able to see what passes through the mind without being affected.

As parents our need to be present in the lives of our children is crucial to their wellbeing and development. We cannot afford to be tripped up daily by the fears and pain of past traumas, no matter how big or small.

If you are are a mum or dad with a past that still creates problems for you. Perhaps you have tried every avenue of help to find resolve. Or perhaps you are still suffering in silence trying to deal with the obsessive behaviours and distractions that you use to cope. I want you to know there is hope of a new freedom. A new way to live no matter what the damage of your past.

There is a free meditation link on my home page that may help you as it did me. I also discuss my experience more in my book ‘A meditative parent; The making of a triplet dad’.

I need your help!

If you are a regular visitor to my blog you will be aware that I have recently released a book.

It’s not a parenting manual, but a personal journey into fatherhood and how I overcame the immense pressures I faced using a free, non religious meditation.

I know from my experience of working with others that there are many new dads/parents out there going into parenthood already suffering from mental health issues, addiction, alcohol problems and anger to name few of the roadblocks to relationships with the children and partners that can manifest from past traumas.

I wrote this book to give hope to those men and women, couples who are overwhelmed with the changes that occur during a pregnancy and arrival of babies.

So now the book is out and I need your help to get it available to anyone who may need it.

Perhaps you work in mental health? Maybe you work within the maternity services? If so I need you to put a word in for me, to make this book known as a real contribution to the rise in mental health issues in new dads/parents. Perhaps you know a charity that helps men that could add a simple link on their website.

Children deserve stability from the day they arrive into the world. That love must come from the parents. And I absolutely believe that with the elimination of stress and the destructive behaviours that can manifest from the pressures of parenthood a child will have the opportunity begin life as they should. This book points straight to that solution.

Please help if you can.

2 years of the blog

Two years ago today, sleep deprived and verging on insanity I began this blog.

It became an outlet for me as I struggled to adjust to life with three babies. And it soon became a a place of reference for other dads struggling with the changes they faced. If nothing else to see they are not alone in their struggles.

It has since been voted number 7 in the top triplet blogs on the planet. Which still surprises me as I have kept away from advertising and monetizing it. Not because I’m against it, but because I didn’t want to lose sight of it’s purpose. I have had almost 30,000 visitors in that time, many who come back regularly for a catch up on how we are doing as a family.

I’m truly grateful to all of you who take the time to read my posts and have encouraged me to keep sharing. To those who have found help through accessing the meditation link, I hope you keep meditating, trust me, life will never be the same.

If this blog has become something useful to another it is serving a greater purpose. And I’m happy to have this platform to be of use.

I have also written, and recently published a book on my emotional journey into fatherhood from a life of serious mental illness and alcoholism. And more importantly how I overcame those pressures to bring emotional stability to my family. I believe anything that contributes to a family staying the distance through the massive adjustment of babies can only be a good thing. Here’s the link to Amazon.

Up until 2 years ago I had never written anything in my life. So it has also been a wonderful experience learning a new trade as it were.

I thank you for your time. And if you know anyone may be struggling with the pressures of parenthood. Maybe give them the link to this site, or my book. Not all of us were given the tools to parent with love and patience. But there is always a way if there is a willingness.

A book for all new dads/parents

Perhaps you know a couple who are facing a pregnancy for the first time, who may already getting lost in the pressures of looming parenthood.

Maybe you know a dad or mum who suffers from anxiety and depression and use drugs or alcohol as a means of coping.

If you do, or are overwhelmed yourself by the strain of children on your relationship, this book is written for you.

Not every couple go into a pregnancy with a clear intuitive approach to what’s ahead. Some are already dragging emotional baggage that if not recognised and dealt with will not only affect their wellbeing, but that of the families, especially the children.

Going into parenthood brings a mass of stress as I discovered. And with a destructive past it became ever more important that I found a way to deal with those in-coming pressures to stop a back slide into anger and fear.

I wrote this book, not as a parenting manual but a personal account of my journey into fatherhood in the hope it benefits others. I’m no parenting expert, but I did have a way to face the stress of a doubling of my family unit in one hit. And that is what I share in this book.

Now available in paperback and ebook from Amazon.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1076579477/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=a+meditative+parent&qid=1564909039&s=books&sprefix=a+meditative+&sr=1-2

A meditative parent – the making of a triplet dad

My inspiration to begin writing this blog came from my own struggle to adjust to a new life as a parent coming from a life of self destruction.

To write a book seemed like the next natural progression on my journey.

I felt a father’s experience of the emotional journey taken should be available for anyone to read. The struggles we face are real. And our presence as men in the lives of our children cannot be understated.

Hampered by past fears and forced by my own situation to remain emotionally stable for the sake of my family while facing a life changing event with no idea what was coming. I had pressures to overcome.

I was convinced that the principles of love and tolerance would be enough to keep my family together – and for me to keep my sanity through the most difficult adjustment of my life.

From a past of abuse, alcoholism and a destructive relationship with my own father I eventually came to see the vital changes I would have to make in order to become a loving parent and husband. To be the man my family would need.

This book is a deeply personal account of my experience in becoming a dad. In finding a way to give without expectation, to love without reward. To show through my story that anyone has what it takes to become a better human being when it matters most, no matter what the damage behind them.

‘A meditative parent – the making of a triplet dad’ is now available on ebook from Amazon.

If you enjoy it, please leave a review on Amazon, would love to hear your feedback.

Thanks again

Si

ebook release

My book ‘A meditative parent; The making of a triplet dad’ is now available on ebook from Amazon.

The paperback will also be available in the next couple of weeks.

My hope is that it becomes something of value that helps others who may be struggling with the pressures and fears around parenting.

Thank you again for following me and giving me a platform to be of use.

A share of this would be much appreciated 😉

Si

Birthday girls

On the 4th of July the triplets celebrated their second birthday. It’s a massive achievement that they’ve made it this far to be so healthy and content. And it also feels like a miracle we’ve maintained our sanity through it all.

Raising triplets is tough. There’s no other word for it. From the pressures of finances to the strain on a relationship. It’s a never ending cycle of change that demands every ounce of our attention.

We are lucky in the sense that our girls are all healthy, many other parents of multiples are dealing with much more than the obvious stresses are faced with.

So to reach this far is an important milestone for us as a family. We’ve come a long way since the day’s of sleep deprivation and onset madness brought on by the massive adjustment to a doubling of our family unit over night.

Ava Lacey and Blakely are thriving. The most difficult job at the moment is keeping them entertained as their minds are firing up and in constant need of stimulation to meet their ever growing curiosities.

As a stay at home dad now (or at least until my health improves) I am getting to share in some incredible moments with them.

Their speech is improving by the week. They now hold hands when we go for walks and are all consciously aware of each other’s emotions. Especially Lacey with Blakely. They care for each other with little gestures and hugs. They share with each other more than they fight.

Their birthday was a real celebration, I found it to be quite emotional reflecting on what we have been through over the last couple of years, it really hit me when I stopped to take in where we are with all of our daughter’s, Frankie included. And on how much they’ve grown.

I’m a proud dad, one that isn’t perfect, and one who doesn’t always get it right but I intend to keep growing as a father, a husband and a human being for their sake. To learn from my mistakes and be an example to them.

And now it’s time to take a deep breath and jump into the trench for the terrible two’s, where my ability to practice patience will be everything.

Wish us luck!

Two years ago today this happened!

Taken from my book ‘A meditative parent; the making of a triplet dad’. Available on Amazon soon.

4th July 2017…….

It was a big theatre and we had already been told that there would be quite a few people present and not to let that overwhelm us. As we walked down the corridor and into the room we were met with an exited crowd of nurses and technicians. There were three open cots along one side of the room. Each had a baby’s name on a piece of paper attached to it. Each cot had a doctor, a paediatrician and a midwife stood with it. The atmosphere was electric. I was asked to sit on a stool, neatly tucked in besides Stacey’s upper half surrounded with wires and equipment, holding my wife’s shaking hand as the room vibrated with people. The next moment the doors swung open and a surge of more doctors and technicians rolled in. I counted eighteen people in that theatre, not including us. It was an impressive show for our girls.

It was at our request that music was played during the procedure. We had chosen Bob Marley’s ‘Three Little Birds’ which was played on repeat, a song we had played to the triplets in utero regularly at home. As soon as the music started the whole room began moving to the rhythm, with people dancing and singing along. It was a moving moment that such a show was in place for our girl’s big arrival. I will never forget the theatre that morning, or the atmosphere that was present. Not just for the reason we were there, but for the sense of joy and love that the triplets would enter the world to. It was simply beautiful.

Stacey was positioned, sat on the edge of the bed for the epidural injection. Looking at her in so much fear in a room full of so much excitement is what kept a foot on the ground for me; there was so much that could go wrong in the next few moments but also so much that could go right. Adrenalin continued pumping around my body as the surgeon and technicians prepared for the C-section. A sheet was placed just below Stacy’s chest, so she was unable to see what was happening. One of the technicians asked if we had a camera or phone handy, she was kind enough to offer to take a few photos; to capture the moments the triplets left the cramped confines of the womb and took their first hits of oxygen. I was looking directly into my wife’s eyes, reassuring her, telling her I loved her and how proud I was of her, that she was strong and we would be okay no matter what, I kept repeating myself over and over to try and give her some comfort. She could hardly speak, her voice broken with fear and her hands were shaking as she gripped mine tightly.

She asked me when they would be starting the procedure, a kind smiling technician leaned down and told us that they already had begun and to watch above the partition sheet. In the next moment a baby was lifted into the air, the twisted umbilical cord still attached, her arms stretched out straight to the sides like a bird stretching her wings in freedom for the first glorious time. In that instant my heart stopped – my breathing stopped. Everything stood still. I was looking at Ava for the first time. The tears began running down my face as her cord was cut and she let out a cry as they placed her on the open cot to be cleaned and given oxygen. She was out, alive and breathing, and the relief and joy I felt was overwhelming. Stacey looked at me and smiled for the first time that day at the sound of our daughter working her lungs out while the midwife and team cleaned her up.  Exactly two minutes later Blakely was pulled into the world, visibly smaller than Ava as we knew, but just as vocal as we prayed she would be.

Two were out and breathing well. Another two minutes past and Lacey was finally with us. She too let out a high-pitched cry at the shock of leaving her first home in this world. The room kept buzzing with excitement as Ava was brought over and placed on Stacey’s chest. Lacey and Blakely were then brought over one at a time with their little hats on, wrapped in white towels. Their little faces were beautiful. They passed each of them to me and I held their tiny frames for the first time. Stacey ‘s face was beginning to show signs of relief that the babies were out and okay, and that she seemed to have gotten through it without complication. We later learned she had actually lost litres of blood and was given a transfusion, and that her uterus wouldn’t contract and had to be manually squeezed back into place by hand which caused her a lot of pain when the medication wore off. But there was no panic in the room from anyone, it was all efficiently taken care of without us being aware of any problems.

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One of the memories Stacey has of the C-section was our surgeon bobbing up and down in rhythm to Bob Marley while he smiled down at us and stitched her up. I was called over to the cots and asked if I would like to trim their umbilical cords back as they had been left long during the procedure of their exiting. It was another moment that strengthened my bond with the triplets. My hand has never been steadier. Ava was born at 9.37am weighing 4lb 12oz, Blakely at 9.39am weighing 3lb 4oz and Lacey at 9.41am weighing in at 4lb.7oz. And we were soon to discover – identical.

So that was it over. The triplets had arrived after a pregnancy with no complications to enter the world all screaming. God had graced us with three healthy babies who were already making waves with their arrival. After a short time of holding each one with my wife, they were taken through to another room to be checked over thoroughly by the doctors and moved on to the Neo-natal intensive care unit to be closely monitored. Lacey was off the oxygen almost immediately and holding her own. Ava and little Blakely needed a bit more support to begin with. Stacey was cleaned up and just before we left the surgeon said to her with a smile “you were my third set of triplets”. He and everyone in that theatre had done a phenomenal job in taking care of us and the babies and in keeping the whole situation calm. It was one of the most moving hours of my life, nothing has shifted and lit up my consciousness more. When I held my daughters, I experienced an unconditional love for another human I had never felt before. It was a pure conscious connection – a spiritual bond. As a Father I knew that whatever happened now during my time here on earth I could not fail them. Moving forward and growing towards love as a human being had to become my priority for those who had been entrusted to me, for all those under my roof.

Getting up through the night isn’t my job

I can recall a conversation with an expectant Dad in a bar once who point blank declared that his life was not going to change at all when the baby arrived. That he would still have time to socialise, hit the bars, fit a round of golf in occasionally and retain the life he was accustomed to. In his words ‘I’m the dad’. As if he became immune from parenting from the moment he’d pulled his pants back up.

I now, with clarity – see the delusion in this sort of dissociative thinking. Perhaps it’s different with one baby? Maybe there are men who hang on to the idea of the old tradition of a past generation of men who let the women do all the ‘baby stuff’ while they had their slippers fetched for them after a hard days slog. I also get that it is a case of a personal decision between a couple on how they parent.

If I had suggested to my wife that was how I wanted the dynamic to be under our roof I would probably now be wearing my balls for earrings. In all seriousness our marriage would have failed from a lack of my willingness to step up to the plate.

I knew my life would change with a baby, at the discovery of three there was no question that with the arrival of them there would be little else in my life. And I needed to be prepared for that – and not resent my situation. Yes it’s tough, but imagine how much tougher it is for your partner who’s gone through the pregnancy, given birth and is now dealing with the hormonal battering and tiredness of dealing with a newborn.

I still meet men, new dad’s who are happy to let a mom do everything. From night feeds to nappy changes as though their job is complete. If your a new dad and mum’s dealing with your children, exhausted while you think your day at office was hard work and home time is your relaxation time, grow some onions and start supporting those who should be able to rely on you for support.

An attitude of ‘it’s not really my job’ is not only selfish but stinks of irrational entitlement and will breed festering resentments that will affect everyone under your roof. Becoming a dad comes with more than just a title. It is the ultimate opportunity to become the man your family needs.

So don’t be shy and roll those sleeves up, as you were probably reminded more than once during the pregnancy it’s all your fault (well, at least 50% of the situation is anyway)