If you have read my book or have followed my blog you will be aware of the destructive nature of the relationship between my dad and I. I have often wondered what happened to him,
We were tied only by anger. And when I left home at 15 the toll of the abuse from him had infected me with the same spirit of anger that he had carried with him since his own horrendous childhood. He suffered sexual and physical abuse at the hands of his father. There was a sickness in his family that led to anger and addiction. I hated my dad more than anything. It was anger I fought to suppress and it led me to seek relief. Alcoholism became my path. Filled with shame, frustration and anger from my own abuse as a child. I never saw my father again apart from a brief encounter in a pub when I was 18.
I was 36 when I finally found permanent sobriety. I had reached a point that I had to let go of the hate towards him. He was a sick man that sadly became a father to two boys. He was ill equipped to mentally deal with fatherhood. Neither brother or I were planned and we both suffered from his inability to deal with his own abuse and poor mental health. I forgave him, simply by not hating him, I had to, otherwise I would have gone out by way of alcoholism or suicide. My life had to change. The anger carried through generations of his family had to stop with me. And it did.
I hoped that he would one day know peace. That he would overcome his anger and addictions but for a man with such a dark past, that hope was slim.
Now I finally discovered what happened to him. My wife found his death certificate online. He died from a ruptured aneurysm. Internal bleeding killed him on Christmas eve in 2003. He was 56 years old. His lifestyle of anger, addiction and alcohol abuse took him out in the end. It’s brought closure, it’s also raised a few emotions. If anything I feel sadness. No child should suffer abuse and trauma. It set’s off a tragic life of damage and pain that many never fully recover from.
I thank God with all my heart for releasing me of my anger. For giving me all I need to be a kind loving man. To be of use to those still locked in the darkness of trauma and anger. It’s been a painful journey but there is a lot of love in my life. And my children will know only love and patience from me. It feels like a chapter in my life has now closed and its time to move forward with the family I have been entrusted with.
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