love – Patience – Tolerance

Not broken – not yet anyway

It feels like a while since I last posted. My mental health hasn’t been the best since a pain flare up triggered by a gig with my band, so I haven’t been overly inspired to write. Memory problems have been causing me grief. I have been unmotivated and down.

But over the last 24 hours, I have finally got some relief. My pain levels have lowered, and I’m feeling more myself – more connected. It’s horrible how dark my thinking becomes in a flare-up. There are times I just want to throw the towel in. Not that it would ever happen, not with a family to tend to. I have too many responsibilities to collapse in on myself.

I have lived with Central Pain Syndrome for almost 4 years now. It has reshaped my life. From work to my personal life and as a parent, it has affected everything. I felt the years leading up to the accident that poor mental health and struggle was over and done with. But such is life, everything can change in a heartbeat and for me and my family it did.

I suffer with frustration the most. That my body won’t perform as it once did. I’m my mind. I’m strong, but the smallest wrong moment can cause burning, stabbing pain that can last hours/days/weeks. It can really get me down. I have definitely become better at managing my pain, and I’ve had to train myself to slow down.

Stress inflames the pain and pain causes stress. It’s a crappy roundabout to be stuck on. So it’s a case of making the best of it when I’m not suffering as much. I have no choice but to live with CPS as best I can. An invisible illness can be hard to explain or even comprehend to someone with good health. Some disabilities can not be seen. But to me and my family it is very real. And I have to stay afloat. As the man of the house, I have a job to do.

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