Like me, you may have gone into fatherhood with no fatherly guidance. There was a sick spirit of anger that was carried forward through generations on my dads side. A spirit that stopped with me after a long battle with mental health and alcoholism.
It could easily have been a different story had I not been relieved of that same spirit. His resentment became my resentment and when I left home at 15 I was already infected with anger. A dark spirit that destroyed everything worthwhile in my life.
Deep down I hated life and drank as a solution to the internal conflicts I was experiencing. I was in no way fit to ever become a dad and for years that thought frightened me. It was one of the reasons that ended my first marriage. I was full of resentment and fear and unable to function as a normal person. I also suffered from borderline personality disorder, an illness characterised by unstable emotions and self harm.
It was only by getting sober at 36 that I became aware of the resentment I carried and got free of it through prayer and meditation. A spiritual practice that changed the course of my life. I was able to see with clarity the lineage of anger carried through generations of men in my family. If I was to change, it had to come from within. I had to let go of what was causing my own disastrous life. The cycle of anger and abuse had to stop with me.
Once free from anger I had to find a way to endure life without harbouring resentment and backsliding into selfish self centred behaviour. I had to completely change my path. I finally discovered a way to endure the pressures of life without becoming overwhelmed. I found this solution in conscious awareness. In practicing the spiritual principles of love and patience.
In being a father and a husband, finding a way to endure the trials of life is vital if we are to break the cycle of resentment and become the men our families need. I am in no way the perfect husband and father but I am willing to grow in the light. To endure the tough times and and be emotionally strong and available.
I have even got the symptoms of borderline personality disorder under control through a commitment to meditation. Although I have struggled emotionally at times with a chronic nerve pain condition I have still made the effort to sit still a few times a day and allow light in. To stay free from darkness. To be a changed man in grace and faith and I give thanks everyday that anger ended with me.