It’s been a few weeks since I was hospitalised with a central pain syndrome flare up. I usually bounce back pretty quickly in the aftermath but this flare up lingered to the point it was affecting my mental health.
Pain causes me to go in on myself. When it’s affected round the clock it’s punishing. As much as I try to just get on with life it makes everything an uphill struggle. Self pity and depression begin to wrap around me and I lose focus on the things that matter. Like my marriage and parenting my daughters.
Triplets require our full attention, and when I’m down I can let things slide like disciplining them when they are playing up. It can cause ripples in my marriage because I am not giving my full attention. Because of my responsibilities I cannot stay down for long. I need to be present in my families lives.
I have learned that my problem with pain is always the same. Resentment is the number one offender. When I am lost in frustration and fear I shut myself off from things that are important to me. I become lost in negative thinking and negative emotions and in turn I get overwhelmed. I detach myself from my surroundings and cannot see the wood from the trees. It’s a dark place to be in.
As always, the solution to my mental suffering is to reconnect to the light. To become conscious again and break free from the resentment trap I find myself in when the pain is raging. Meditation is, and has always been the path back to strong mental health. But first I have to be willing to let go of the anger that’s plaguing me.
I have to let go of resentment and replace fear with faith. This only happens in the stillness of meditation. Light and dark cannot exist in the same space. I am either filled with one or the other so my commitment to meditation and practicing conscious awareness has to be a working part of my life. I need to be doing more than just going through the motions each day.
Non contemplative meditation is a powerful awakening exercise. It was life changing before chronic pain and is still a solid anchor when it comes to dealing with emotional disturbances.
I will leave the link here if you are interested in looking into it. It’s completely free and is a very personal affair. It has dragged me out of the water many a time, and still does.