love – Patience – Tolerance

Don’t walk away, no matter what

The rate of separation and divorce caused by the stress of multiple pregnancies and births, especially in the first year are truly sad. It’s vital that if a family is to survive, Men more than ever, need to discover a way to endure, and subsequently step up to the toughest situation they will most likely ever encounter.

The strain of the arrival of one child can be enough to break a relationship In the early days. Marriages and partnerships fall prey to overwhelming resentment and fear. Sleep deprivation only fuels the flames of a stressful situation, as does rising pride and intolerance. And when a couple are struggling to cope, and anger and fear take hold at the centre of a relationship , It becomes an almost impossible situation.

Unless one, or both parents are able to pull back and open a line of communication, the wall is already in place, and can be incredibly hard to dismantle. The babies pick up on the nervous energy, become unsettled, and also suffer from the effects of an emotional instability under their roof. Everyone suffers.

As a member of a couple of multiple Dad sites. I can share with you one of the main pieces of advice given to expectant fathers, from men who have walked, and are walking this path,

‘Don’t get divorced in the first year, no matter what. Ride it out and see where you are when you make it to that point’

Gives you an idea of the seriousness of the event, and the emotional weight involved. It’s kind of scary to even comprehend what’s involved with multiples. To be in the middle of it is a whole different level of existence. And we are lucky to have three healthy girls. Our experience has gone as smoothly in that sense as it could go. Other parents have had a lot more to deal with than us.

When I began writing this blog it was simply to document my experience. Along the way my eyes have been opened to a sad reality. As difficult as it is for the parents, it is the children who will suffer the greatest from the breakdown.

It’s a common misunderstanding to point to an external situation as the cause of symptoms such as anxiety and depression. Even the children themselves are seen as the cause of a family failing. Sure, a traumatic experience can begin a cycle of internal conflicts and obsessive, destructive behaviours. But as big as some of those events seem,

Maybe it’s not so much the event, but the inability to meet it without becoming overwhelmed that causes the real damage and conflicts. How we meet these pressures in life determine which way they will tip us.

What a woman goes through to bring a child into the world is a huge mental and physical strain, men do not suffer the same which is why it’s our job to bring stability under our roofs, no matter what is thrown at us. Nothing is personal even when it seems that way, and it is going to get tough. So we need to be prepared.

We have to be conscious of of our situation. To be present and awake to what is happening and useful, rather than being constantly drawn into the negativity of it all, day in, day out.

There is always a underlying pull to retaliate with a loved one who is only struggling themselves. It’s when we are overwhelmed that we do and say things we don’t really mean, it’s usually from a place of fear.

So if a Man is able to step back when tempted to bite and react, if in those heated moments he can observe his own anger rising and not become affected by it. Then in that moment he can surely bring clarity and patience to any given situation during the day. No matter how big or irrelevant that moment may seem or how much other’s may be reacting.

Mum needs to know Dad can handle the situation, the family is counting on it.

I am in no way a man who doesn’t still get pulled into stress from time to time, But I have found a way to improve my home life through meditation. I don’t know a new multiple Parent who has time for therapy to talk about their problems at home. Medications as a way of coping only tend to make matters worse with depression. They just suppress the problems, the agitation continues.

The solution to recovering from depression and meeting daily stresses in the stream of life needs to happen quickly if a family is to thrive. When stress is met with grace, remarkable things happen.

Here’s a link to a free non contemplative meditation exercise that will allow you to begin sharpening from stress. I hope you find this to be of use, if you can stick with it you won’t regret it, or will your family.

13 responses to “Don’t walk away, no matter what”

  1. Its really sad to read about the statistics but its very easy to fall into the downward spiral trap. The lack of sleep brings the worst in people and perspective is needed to rein things in. Its very hard sometimes. But then the light shines soon after and fills us with love and pride in what we are doing which is amazing. Its easy to be hard on ourselves. Its important to remind eachother of the awesome job their doing (cause they are).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely, for us the first six months was the toughest. The pregnancy was also a tough go on all of us. But yes there is light, and shines incredibly brightly once the initial storm passes. We are absolutely blessed to be in this experience

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Stephanie Van Riper Avatar
        Stephanie Van Riper

        My family can totally relate! We have triplet boys, but one has had serious medical complications. Divorce has never been an option for us even though it has been really tough.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. My wife and I regularly look at the last year and are amazed that we’ve got through. It’s an absolute rollercoaster. Love is a strong foundation


  2. The first year is incredibly tough – it’s true. My ex and I separated in the last year. We both agreed that we didn’t love each other and couldn’t love each other again. My ex wanted to stay together for the sake of our then 5 month old son, I made the decision that we should separate because I couldn’t face the prospect of a loveless marriage and continued toxicity. Separation was the best decision for us. My ex and I now have a respectful and reasonably collaborative relationship. My son has a great relationship with his dad now and they spend a lot of one on one quality time together. I agree the no one should rush into divorce, but sometimes there it is the best option ‘for the sake of the children’.

    Thank you for your thought provoking post.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree and get that if conflicts in a relationship get to the point they are past resolve decisions must be made for the sake of all involved. This post is more directed at the pregnancy and first year of the arrival of children, especially multiples. Many families in particular those with twins and more are struggling to stay together past six months. It’s sad as it can be avoided, unfortunately the pressure is on for a man to keep stability in himself and for his family. During massive emotional adjustments. That pressure though can be too much


  3. viewfromthebeachchair Avatar

    I can not imagine the stress of having multiples. Good for you for realizing this and bringing this to light. I think all families in growth go through stress but for sure having more than one will add. Best of luck to you and your family. #thatfridaylinky

    Liked by 1 person

  4. We found it tough with Twins it was hard work goodness know what it was like with Twins very honest post Thank you for linking to #Thatfridaylinky please come back next week

    Liked by 1 person

  5. great post. My wife and I have been through a lot of ups and downs over the past few years, currently pretty down, but I think its crucial to not jump into any decisions that are going to have such long term consequences. #thatfridaylinky

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is so very true! Too many get a divorce too quickly. Although I have never had twins or triplets, my wife and I had eight children. There were challenging times, but giving up was never an option on the table. I have seen too many friends give up and quit. God can make a way through all challenges, if we let Him. Thank you for sharing this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amen. Having kids is a tough deal. It causes frustration and resentment within a relationship. But with patience and tolerance at the centre of a home and a willingness to work together grace gets us through.
      God bless you and your big family.

      Liked by 1 person

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