We all have a story. A past of mixed experiences, fond memories and times we would rather bury under the rug. They all pass through the mind like a river flowing with debri that must be dealt with otherwise we just get dragged along.
I’ve had years of therapy, digging away at myself and searching for happiness and peace in my mind. But I had roadblocks that always stopped me making any real progress. The problem was that I never wanted to look at the darkness in my life. It was too painful to face and deal with.
I found it easy to play a victim of the world that I resented. I could talk for hours about how the world and people wronged me. But I always avoided looking at myself and my own damaging behaviours.
Living the life of an alcoholic I used and hurt people for my own gain. I ran on frustration anger and fear but never wanted to admit that part of me. I felt guilt and didn’t want to face it. Every Avenue of help that I gained access to failed me, because I refused to get honest.
I was a year sober going through a recovery process in a 12th step fellowship that I finally began to heal from my past. The main contributing factor to my new mental health was that this time I dealt solely with the darkness. The resentments and fears that I always ran from and tried to bury deep within myself.
I got honest about my selfishness, my self pity and how my whole life I tried to please others for recognition and just wound up resenting those I put on pedestals. I lived in a constant state of judgment. Especially towards the end of my drinking career. I felt like the world owed me. I was sick with anger.
I discovered that resentment and fear were driving me and effecting every area of my life. And as long as that dark force was at the wheel I would never experience freedom.
I made some painful realisations about myself and why I had lived such a damaged life. I also discussed my own abuse for the first time in my life. It is was a burden I could no longer carry. But they say honesty and truth will set you free and that has been my experience.
So I continue to stay awake to the darkness within myself. It doesn’t mean I live a somber life, only focusing on the negative. But it does mean that I have a conscious awareness of myself. I meditate to stay free from rising anger and resentment caused by the inevitable stresses in the stream of life
Therapy is a good thing. All avenues of help can benefit someone lost in their own darkness. But without looking at the whole picture, no real progress will be made.