love – Patience – Tolerance

Resentment & pain

Living with a chronic pain condition drags a hoard of negative emotions along with it. Fear and frustration go hand in hand with cps (central pain syndrome).

Before I developed this bizzare and rare nerve disorder my focus was on dealing with work and raising my family. Being a dad to triplets brought enough pressure and stress. Weight that I had adjusted to since the triplets came home. I felt as though I was managing well, considering I was a first time parent.

Then came the accident just in time for the triplets first birthday. I wasn’t even remotely prepared for such a huge physical upheaval. And I soon discovered that there was more to the pain than just the pain.

I immediately fell into frustration as I struggled to do my job. Being a welder and with much of the pain centred in my head and face, and having to work a physical job with random back spasms I started getting overwhelmed with fear that I could no longer do my duties at work. Then came the fear of how I would support my family if I couldn’t work. I ended up on the vicious cycle of stress flaring up the pain, and the pain causing me stress.

Having an invisible illness is tough going

I fought through it for a couple of months but it became too much of an aggravating trigger for my nerve pain. Fairly soon I was off work and unable to earn. Not a great position for a man with a young family to support.

I quickly sank into resentment. I resented the pain, I got lost in self pity in between the trips to A&E and neurology appointments. With no clear diagnosis of a cause of the cps I became overwhelmed with negativity. Life became a struggle, one I had to face. If you have followed my blog you will know I haven’t always posted from a place of positivity this last year.

Lately though, I finally feel I’ve made some progress in managing my pain. And it lies in not resenting it. That’s it! There is nothing more I need to do than observe the pain without reacting to it. After all it is stress that dials the pain levels. So the solution to flare ups is to remain free from resentment and fear. I do this by way of non contemplative meditation. The answer was with me all along. I had to stop struggling with a problem beyond my control.

I figured early on that there was no way of avoiding my condition. That I was going to have to live with it somehow without it overwhelming me to the point of insanity. And I’ve come pretty close over this last year to losing a grip on my mental wellbeing.

There is always a simple solution to be found, and for the secondary pain such as the emotional battering of constant nerve pain all I need to do is stay mentally well. Conscious awareness helps me achieve a state of mental neutrality. It needs to be experienced to be understood, and I know a few of you have already began using this meditation and are having life changing results from it.

Life is hard enough without chronic pain to contend with. So whatever you find useful grab on to it and know you’re not alone in your suffering.

2 responses to “Resentment & pain”

  1. I have followed your blog from early on before your cps. I have this rare disease too. Onset 2.5 years. It’s a bugger. I too am working on “unpacking” trauma. I haven’t been writing on my blog but I appreciate you writing through your process.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A fellow cps warrior. It’s a bizarre and relentless disease that I am still trying to understand. I hope you have lower pain level days ahead.
      I too have worked on dealing with trauma over this last year. It has definitely been beneficial.

      Liked by 1 person

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