love – Patience – Tolerance

The feeling of failure

Over the last year I felt more often than not that I am not living up to being the supporting husband and father I want to be. This feeling of failing, which I’m sure all men experience at times, is just a reality of fatherhood. A result of the ups and downs we face in the stream of life, for whatever reason. I did after all, want this blog to be a place of honest reference. To share in the realities of fatherhood and the emotional ride it can be at times. The good, and the ‘not’ so good. Sometimes life gets difficult. I have ideals I try to live up to. And I do my best to live in a way that is a life of improvement for the benefit of my family. To work hard and be an example to my daughters is important to me, and for them to see that ethic in me growing up.
How I am in their eyes will be the man they judge all other men by. Which is why I meditate, to be a man of patience and tolerance. Not one who is easily rattled and affected by stress and the pressures of the world. It has been, as I see it, the one vital ingredient I need in my role to raise healthy confident children. I have always been aware that my wellbeing directly affects my family. I have written extensively on the subject since becoming a parent. Which is why this last year in particular has been so difficult for me. Before I had even heard of central pain syndrome, or considered a brain injury, I felt I had a good handle on dealing with all that went on in my life. Yes, having triplets was an event on the heavier end of the stress spectrum, but even still, with a past of serious mental health issues I was given strength to manage my situation with a strong sense of purpose. One I still hold on to. Which is why I find it hard to now feel as though I’m failing at times.
I am not one to admit that I struggle. That since all the forced changes in my life I have suffered bouts of depression from resenting those changes. No longer able to work full-time it has hit my pride hard. Because it has chipped away at how I provide for my family. The nerve pain and the memory problems are affecting me more than I’d like to admit. The stress I have had to adjust to, is creating other sensory problems. Ones that concern me at times. I have to accept life is different now and adjust accordingly. I am now accepting all the help I can get psychologically (without medication). If you have read my book you will know of the problems I faced growing up, significant life event’s that left me with a fighting coping mechanism of constant motion forward. Problems that I have never really stopped to deal with, that it’s now time to unravel. Because the easier I can deal with life, the better I can manage the pain. And the better I manage the pain – the better my mental health, and that of all those who are affected by it. Il get there eventually. Because I always do. Meditation is still my number one practice, it keeps me mentally above ground more than anything else. Bringing love to my family is still the most important thing I can do as a dad. And to not resent the changes and accept all that is occurring in my life without fear, to not be rattled by the pressures of life. Which now is sometimes easier said than done.

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