Painfully overwhelmed

There are areas of my life I do my best to stay on top of. Especially since now having three more children to provide for. I had lots of fears arise during the pregnancy, the worry filled ‘what if……..’ Thoughts  were constant as I prepared for our future with the triplets arriving. I had a lot to stay on top of mentally and physically for the health of all of us as a family. The responsibilities for me as dad are huge.

Over the last six months there has been another massive change that I have had to get my head around, which has literally knocked me for six some days, and the fears and worries have overwhelmed me.

Six years ago I felt electric shock pains across the top of my head and burning in the side of my face. It happened for a split moment. I didn’t give it much thought until it continued to happen, first the attacks came months apart. Sometimes lasting a few seconds sometimes minutes. I was offered medication but didn’t feel the crappy side effects I would have to put up with were worth the occasional burning shock to the head.

Since then I have experienced it more frequently as the flare up’s of pain began in other areas of my body. Still I never chased it up and put the body pain down to the physical work I do. And I had no intention of taking medication.

Last August the electric shocks and burning started one night and have yet to go. The random flare up’s across my back become excruciating to the point I can’t stand up and there are day’s I struggle to walk with the pain in my hips, and as I discovered quickly there is not a pain-killer on the planet that can alleviate the pain.

There have been night’s I have been so overwhelmed with the pain in my head, I’ve been sat rocking on the stairs in tears while my wife deals with Frankie and the triplets.

There have been MRI scans and blood tests to begin eliminating what the cause may be and it has been narrowed down to a rare nerve disorder. My central nervous system is misfiring in various parts of my body and sending pain signals back to my brain. And without much known about it there is no cure. Just a life of pain management.

looking at all I have to support and provide for in my life, it has worried the hell out of me over the last six months. As well as the pain, day in and day out, I have been lost in fear and full of anger under the surface around my situation. Resentment has made the problem ten times harder to face. I am no good for anyone lost in my head.

I have a boss who has been understanding of my situation and I will be returning to work in a few weeks after months at home. He has given me a new position as I am unable to work in the department I am trained to work in as it too physical for me to carry on working in, and there are days my head is too foggy to concentrate. On the plus side I no longer have the fear of losing my job, which had also been a weight on my mind since being absent from work.

I have realised this week how much I have to be grateful for since this change has occurred to my health. It has scared me, angered me, frustrated and frightened me. All negative emotions that I cannot afford to live with if I am going to be present for my family. And as a good friend reminded me yesterday, the pain isn’t for a lifetime, I don’t need to be looking so far ahead. I only have to deal with it 24 hours at a time.

Life can change overnight, as I’ve experienced many times in my life, there will always be challenges to face and this is no different.

For now, without any real relief, it will be more a case of managing the emotional strain of being in constant pain while dealing with the job of parenting and knowing my limits of what I can and cannot do. I need to Stay out of fear, and stay out of resenting a situation I cannot control. If I can do that, I think It will be half the battle.