In my finding my own mental wellbeing through meditation I became aware more than ever of the impact my emotional state has not only on me, but those around me. It is an understanding I placed at the centre of my role as a husband to Stacey and father figure to Frankie.

I became a father figure in Frankie’s life when she had just turned six, so there was a whole chunk of parenting that I had missed. The really hard part.

Then the triplets came along and our world turned upside-down. The emotional rollercoaster we were set on in those early days was always going to take its toll on me as I adjusted to a situation that I had no experience of. I had never changed a nappy in my life, or had to function on so little sleep. I feared for the strain it was putting on my marriage and was hard on myself for becoming overwhelmed with a situation I wanted from the first scan.

I was unable to meditate and stay conscious of the rising fears and doubts within myself because every time I closed my eyes I fell asleep. Without the meditation I was sliding into trouble, and that only brought more fear.

I had expectations of myself as a father and wasn’t living up to them. I began to resent myself. The changes were immense and brought more emotional pressure on my family than I could ever have imagined it would. And all I wanted, was to be consistent everyday as I was before the birth. To keep spending time with Frankie as I did before the trio came along and promised I would. I had an idea of how I wanted it to be for us all and I felt I was failing at my role. I was losing my emotional stability and finding self-pity.

It was a while before I awoke to how self-centred I had become in the expectations I had. I felt the cloak of depression descending on me because my wife had changed and I felt so distant from her, Frankie was also struggling to emotionally adjust and I was too tired, too lost in myself to be of real use. And worst of all I was making it all about me.

Yet all that had happened was that I had become a new parent, thrown into trenches with no experience and consumed by the demands of three dependant newborns.

IMG_0249

Lacey

It was my wife that brought the stability in the early days after she had struggled so much with the pregnancy. It was her experience and intuition as a mother that kept the family afloat as I adjusted and found my feet as a new dad.

My mistake was, and always has been to put expectations on myself and others, it only brings resentment. And it was a mistake I made again going into fatherhood. And being hard on myself just created more problems for me and my family.

We did pull through as a family as the babies settled into their routines and I let go of my expectations, wants and needs. When my focus shifted back to taking care of those around me and when my conciousness returned I was able to find my place again. life became easier for all of us . It was never going to be easy. But looking back I didn’t need to make it harder. Living a day at a time is enough, especially as a first time dad.

1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s