If you are a parent with newborns, or young children you will be aware that things can emotionally change between yourself and your partner. Those changes most likely began with the pregnancy. You may also be wondering if your relationship will ever be the same?
My wife and I didn’t sail into the pregnancy in a good place together. We had dealt with the stress of moving house a month before we discovered we had triplets. And we were also dealing with a couple of years filled with disappointment in failing to conceive. We did have the occasional spark of hope, which sadly turned out to be false positive tests. There was a building tension in our marriage that was reaching breaking point. Then BOOM! We were thrown into a high risk pregnancy and there was no going back.
From the first scan it was like we veered off in different directions emotionally. My wife consumed and struggling with the fears and risks involved with our situation. And me doing my best to remain conscious and keep my family calm and together. There was a disconnect between us throughout the whole pregnancy. We may have been under the same roof, but we weren’t together.
The next time we would reconnect was in the NICU with the safe arrival ou our trio. We finally landed on the same page. Brought together by the love, relief and joy at the safe arrival of Ava, Blakely and Lacey.
As we brought them home my wife, and rightly so, became completely focused on the babies’. As I had stayed solid through the pregnancy, we now switched roles. As Stacey found her instincts as a mother, I began to sink into depression under the pressure of home life, work and sleep deprivation. My wife was too focused on her job to hear my problems as I struggled with my sanity. I once again felt as far apart from my wife as we were during the pregnancy.
I became consumed with the fear that before she fell pregnant we were a couple unhappy. And that maybe we would never reconnect as the couple who were once in love. I felt on the outside looking in on our home life, even though I was completely involved as a father. tiredness can do horrible things to a mind. I became paranoid that our relationship was done. That It was now her and the babies. That I was no longer an interest in her life. self-pity was creeping in. And it wasn’t who I wanted to be, man consumed with myself and my doubts. I would be no use as a father in that place.
Looking back It took one thing for us to reconnect as a couple. Patience. My wife had been through the mill with the pregnancy and was finding her place as a mother to three babies. As I was finding my role. Which was just to support her and be patient. To not make my fears and anxieties an extra weight to put on her. All I needed to do was to be of use, to my wife and stay involved with my daughters.
It was only when I began to step back from pressuring her, and let go of my fears and doubts about our relationship that we begin to find each other again. We needed each other more than ever. And She needed all the space and support I could give her. Of course things have changed. But those massive changes have only bonded us closer as a family finding our way in a surreal situation.
My job a s husband has always been to support my wife. My job as a father in the beginning was no different. Be patient and you will almost certainly meet again. And discover the love you once had will have gone no-where,