Embarking on this blog was a decision made in sleep deprivation, Initially I was concerned I would forget the experience and wanted to document it. But what became apparent from day one of the discovery of triplets to this point, is that there is a very real problem.
A large percentage of families are not making it. Men, for the most are hit with all sorts of unspoken internal struggles with the experience of a pregnancy and arrival of a child. Yet there is little or no support, so men tend to suppress and push on while under the surface, fears and resentments remain unless faced.
I absolutely agree that depression in men is a serious debilitating symptom after a child is born. It is a problem that needs addressing for the wellbeing of a family. I don’t think labelling it ‘Post natal’ in men is correct. Simply because there’s a danger of implying the depression was caused somehow by the child. For a man suffering from unrecognised resentment, that anger can end up directed towards that child. The child is innocent, it is the improperly met stress of the situation that is the problem.
No matter how many children are involved or on the way, fears and doubts can arise about our own inadequacies, these failings can add weight to the already real pressures of dealing with a pregnant, hormonal wife/partner, looming financial strains and the coming life changes.
Ten minutes after the dating scan, in discovering three heartbeats, we were told reduction (termination of one, or two of the growing lives) was an option. And sent on our way with no landing equipment. They did explain to my wife there was a local fb group for multiple Mum’s, I asked if there was anywhere I could find experience or advice. My enquiry was met with an apology. I was on my own. I had no one else’s experience of what may be coming.
I eventually found multiple groups like ‘The multiple Dads sanctuary’ on fb. A community of Men dedicated to becoming better Fathers. It was a way to meet other Men who were living a high stress life with multiples. There is much support and advice to be found there. There are also other valuable triplet groups on fb.
Locally there is nothing for any expectant Dads. If you go into a pregnancy already struggling with mental health worries, the waiting time to talk to a professional is over six months in the uk unless you can afford private. I know because I looked.
The problem with writing about triplets is that everybody’s experience is different, I can never share beyond my own experience.
But there are guiding principles that Men rarely seem to discuss that can ease any situation before it deteriorates. Those of love patience and tolerance. These basic principles are becoming lost.
I am not an expert Dad, or a perfect human being by any means. I have much to learn, but I have also gained insight over the years in dealing with my own mental health and working with others. My willingness to improve is everything to my family. I hope, that if you are struggling as a parent and have just discovered this blog, you find use of my experience.
There is a thread that runs through the experience of most men, whatever their pregnancy situation, that being the pressure, the internal conflicts and external damage they cause a home environment and relationship. Men need to discover a way to remain conscious and present. Out of anger and fear without escaping to harmful solutions like alcohol or drugs.
I have suffered from, and recovered from many of the conflicts Men without guidance have faced during my life. I understand depression, it’s cause, and more importantly I’ve experienced it’s solution. And because of that I know that there is hope. Hope for Men like I once was, facing fatherhood who cannot shake anger. Hope for Men who’s resentments turn on them and disconnect them from the people they love.
So you won’t find promotions or advertising here, I make no money from this. It’s not why I do it.
I take the time to write and share of myself because there is hope a family can survive.