The rate of separation and divorce caused by the stress of multiple pregnancies and births, especially in the first year are truly sad. It’s vital that if a family is to survive, Men more than ever, need to discover a way to endure, and subsequently step up to the toughest situation they will most likely ever encounter.
The strain of the arrival of one child can be enough to break a relationship In the early days. Marriages and partnerships fall prey to overwhelming resentment and fear. Sleep deprivation only fuels the flames of a stressful situation, as does rising pride and intolerance. And when a couple are struggling to cope, and anger and fear take hold at the centre of a relationship , It becomes an almost impossible situation.
Unless one, or both parents are able to pull back and open a line of communication, the wall is already in place, and can be incredibly hard to dismantle. The babies pick up on the nervous energy, become unsettled, and also suffer from the effects of an emotional instability under their roof. Everyone suffers.
As a member of a couple of multiple Dad sites. I can share with you one of the main pieces of advice given to expectant fathers, from men who have walked, and are walking this path,
‘Don’t get divorced in the first year, no matter what. Ride it out and see where you are when you make it to that point’
Gives you an idea of the seriousness of the event, and the emotional weight involved. It’s kind of scary to even comprehend what’s involved with multiples. To be in the middle of it is a whole different level of existence. And we are lucky to have three healthy girls. Our experience has gone as smoothly in that sense as it could go. Other parents have had a lot more to deal with than us.
When I began writing this blog it was simply to document my experience. Along the way my eyes have been opened to a sad reality. As difficult as it is for the parents, it is the children who will suffer the greatest from the breakdown.
It’s a common misunderstanding to point to an external situation as the cause of symptoms such as anxiety and depression. Even the children themselves are seen as the cause of a family failing. Sure, a traumatic experience can begin a cycle of internal conflicts and obsessive, destructive behaviours. But as big as some of those events seem,
Maybe it’s not so much the event, but the inability to meet it without becoming overwhelmed that causes the real damage and conflicts. How we meet these pressures in life determine which way they will tip us.
What a woman goes through to bring a child into the world is a huge mental and physical strain, men do not suffer the same which is why it’s our job to bring stability under our roofs, no matter what is thrown at us. Nothing is personal even when it seems that way, and it is going to get tough. So we need to be prepared.
We have to be conscious of of our situation. To be present and awake to what is happening and useful, rather than being constantly drawn into the negativity of it all, day in, day out.
There is always a underlying pull to retaliate with a loved one who is only struggling themselves. It’s when we are overwhelmed that we do and say things we don’t really mean, it’s usually from a place of fear.
So if a Man is able to step back when tempted to bite and react, if in those heated moments he can observe his own anger rising and not become affected by it. Then in that moment he can surely bring clarity and patience to any given situation during the day. No matter how big or irrelevant that moment may seem or how much other’s may be reacting.
Mum needs to know Dad can handle the situation, the family is counting on it.
I am in no way a man who doesn’t still get pulled into stress from time to time, But I have found a way to improve my home life through meditation. I don’t know a new multiple Parent who has time for therapy to talk about their problems at home. Medications as a way of coping only tend to make matters worse with depression. They just suppress the problems, the agitation continues.
The solution to recovering from depression and meeting daily stresses in the stream of life needs to happen quickly if a family is to thrive. When stress is met with grace, remarkable things happen.
Here’s a link to a 12 minute exercise that allows you to begin sharpening from stress. I hope you find this to be of use, if you can stick with it you won’t regret it, or will your family.